Friday, November 21, 2014

On where I've been...

So. Halloween sucked big hairy balls. (I'm sorry mom.) But it did. I didn't think it would. I've honestly never cared about the holiday all that much. Now that I'm on the "parental" side of things though, I kinda was looking forward to this year. I realized that when I spent Halloween and the day after in tears.

I've spent the past couple of weeks recovering and trying my best to prepare for the upcoming holidays. I have never wished for January or appreciated January in my life. But circumstances can do that to a girl sometimes. I'm very much a respect the bird kinda girl this year only because putting up Christmas decorations makes me sad. I also have pumped the brakes on social media A LOT lately. It's just something that helps me not be so sad.

(Note: I don't say this crap to make y'all feel sorry for me. It's just where I am right now. I am posting it for the simple fact that life won't always be like this. I want to look back and see how far I've come.)

I've also decided to not take the bar until the summer time. I need to clear my head as best I can. The best way I can describe my grief right now is a cloud of fogginess. I am always always always thinking about Lily in the back of my mind. I just am. Sometimes it is directly, and others indirectly. But the fog is always there. Some days, I can see through it and it almost seems to clear. Other days, it's so thick that I pretty much just have to pray for Jesus to help me get through it.

BUT. Having said that, I still want and feel a calling on my life to be an attorney. The responsibilities that come with that are serious and I don't want to do anything to jeopardize that or be in a situation where the responsibility becomes a burden.

The other area that we are waiting on is more babies. I know a lot of women that started trying pretty much as soon as the doctor said they could. But I know myself. I know that I'll worry from start to finish once the stick turns pink. So in order to not have that going on in the back of my mind while I am trying to study for the bar next summer, we are waiting for babies as well.

(Note: I say this as politely as possible, but if you disagree, please keep it to yourself. It's not your life or your future babies or career at stake. It's mine.)

So what else is going on lately? I've been doing Believing God by Beth Moore and LOVE IT! I've never experienced a place like this in my faith. I don't think that's a coincidence either.

ANNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNNND the most fun news is that I'm working for Old Navy now. I'll have everyone know that I've worked three times now and I haven't shopped yet! That's some serious self-restraint on my part if you're new around here. IF you're not new, then I just scored for the home team!

I hope this finds you well.

Happy Friday!

Thursday, November 6, 2014

On road trips...

To my dearest Lily,

You've been gone for three months as of today. It snuck up on me actually. Last week sucked royally with Halloween. It was the first major holiday and I pretty much had to hide from social media. All the babies that you were supposed to grow up with had cute costumes and I thought about how I promised your daddy that you could be Princess Leia or Yoda depending upon gender. You would have been Princess Leia obviously.

But I remembered when I read a blog post today by a momma that lost a baby girl named Ruby earlier this year. Anyway, she's pregnant again and it was weird for her because Ruby wasn't there. I imagine I will have similar feelings myself when I find out I'm pregnant again. But then, I started reading her past posts to see if she had felt the way I had felt in the past few months after losing you.

She had.

She also talked about how long it had been when they found out about their second baby. It was three months to the day and then it clicked for me that today was the 6th.  It explained why I was up at the crack of dawn this morning and couldn't really sleep until 9 again. Your daddy couldn't sleep either.

She talked about being around strangers and people she knew and them all acting normal. It's weird because I remember being in public and wondering if people could tell I had just had a baby since you weren't with me a couple of months ago at your AL and Uncle Will's first football game. Even though I knew that was your fate, it still was a shock to lose you all the same. Did I look normal? Or did I look sad?

She also talked about how now she and Ruby's daddy had a more compassionate view for the world since they had faced death. It made me think of Harry Potter being able to see the thestrals for the first time because he has faced death in the face. His world view added something he had never seen before. Ours as well. It's disconcerting at times even if we don't show it. The world isn't the place it used to be for me.

Ellen DeGeneres says every day at the end of her show, "Be kind to one another." Plato said it this way, "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."

And Lil, it's so true. You just never know who is struggling. Like I said earlier in the week, how I was struck by the fact that this is the first time the ministry has been online. This is also the first time people have seen mommas like me grieving online too. For some I would imagine it is hard to watch. It might even make them uncomfortable. It used to make me uncomfortable quite frankly. But here's the deal, this blog post isn't for the people who haven't sat in my place. It's for the ones who have. So they can see someone else talk to their baby and feel normal because it's all they want to do too. Not everyone feels that way. Grieving is certainly different for everyone. But my point is that there is solace in knowing others feel the way I do about you. It's why I'm writing to you now. I am struggling with moving forward. There is a part of me that wants to be done with this year, but then I'm stuck with the fact that once I get through those tough spots, it's that much longer that it has been since I've seen you and held you. But I know that I need to get it out, to help me process. So I'm writing about grieving, about you, about what life is like for us now.

The part that struck me most from Ruby's momma's blog was where I read where Ruby's daddy wanted to go on a road trip. He knew he wanted to do that while they were in the hospital.

I didn't realize I wanted a road trip until this week. It's like my daddy, your Pop/Pappaw (we never really decided because once we found out you were sick, it was too hard to talk about) says, the road is calling me. I know that once I get out there I will still think about you. I'm always thinking about you. I told your daddy that right now I feel like I can only do one thing at a time because I'm already thinking about you. So I'm in essence multi-tasking all the time. I just figure being on the road would allow me time to just think without Gilmore Girls or whatever I've decided to distract myself with for the time being out of the way. That maybe somehow, I will find some peace and also see you in the ways I see you now that you're not here anymore.

I know you're in heaven, but I don't know what you're doing. I hope that you let me know you see me today. I love you and miss you desperately, Lil. Your daddy does too.

Momma

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

On the first good rainy day of fall...

It's really quiet in my house right now. Brandon is at work and a load of laundry has just finished up in the dryer. I'm sitting at my desk right now. I was working on a Bible study, but I stopped for a bit.

I stopped because as I stared out the window while I was thinking about something from the Bible study, I realized today is the first wet rainy day of fall. There have been a few glimpses of a day like today, but not a good full on rainy day until now.

Normally, on this first good rainy day, I take a nice hot shower. Then I put on a pair of my favorite warm socks, my best sweats, a good tshirt, and a hoodie. I fix myself a bowl of soup or popcorn if I didn't have chicken chili ready to go. I'd find my favorite blankets and prop up my pillows just right. Then I'd pull out the Christmas movies and decide which ones I wanted to watch when. I'd pop it in and watch another after another until Brandon got home to grumble about watching Christmas movies before Thanksgiving. He's a big "Respect the Bird" kind of guy you know, but he'd watch with me all the same. We would laugh at some of our favorite parts and some other parts we found funny for the first time.

This moment is exactly the kind of thing I was looking forward to sharing with Lily. I know that even if she was healthy, she wouldn't have been able to understand the movies. But it would have made the day even better. I know her daddy would have still grumbled, but he would also have been the first to get on the couch with us and snuggle. We would have had to curb our laughing a bit so we didn't wake her. We probably would have fought over holding her since it would have been another first or maybe I would have been relieved to see Brandon after a long day. It's anyone's guess.

Even though it makes me tear up thinking about all the firsts, it also makes me smile too. Grief and joy go hand in hand that way. It's weird at times how that works.

Like I said, the laundry is done. Guess I'll go get it out and get back to my bible study.

Happy Tuesday.

Monday, November 3, 2014

On Romans 12:15...

Last week when I should have been studying for the MPRE, I watched BooMama's keynote speech at Allume. Someone mentioned it on The Twitter and I pulled it up quickly, because well I just love her. Even though we have never met, I consider her a mentor of sorts on how to do this blogging world thing. She is southern, blonde, an avid football and baseball fan, a family person, and she loves Jesus hard.

Not to be all spoiler alert on y'all, but SPOILER ALERT, she gave a talk that I have thought about every day since. She spoke about Mary and Elizabeth and their time together when they'd both found out they were expecting John the Baptist and the Big Kahuna, Jesus. She spoke about how they were for one another, even when they shouldn't have been, by society's standards.

But the part that resonated with me the most was when she asked a question to the audience. She asked, "Does it ever just hit you that this is the first time we are doing this ministry thing on the world wide web?"

That question cut through me like a knife. I'm a future attorney. Sometimes I feel limited in what I can say. Not because I'm revealing confidential information about anything, but because I am putting myself out there for the world to see. I don't know if you know this or not, but the legal world, is cutthroat at best. The things I say can be used against me. The more vulnerable I am, the more I am considered to be weak.

On the flip side, I still need to be bold in my faith and the telling of my story.

That question made me think, "What do people see when they read my blog?" and "Have they seen Jesus?"

With a quick examination that didn't include me reading through all of my posts, people will find my view and thoughts on losing weight, being married for almost seven years, moving across country to go to law school, my love or dislike for the Real Housewives, the loss of my first-born Lily, my obsession with the British Royal Family, the Kennedy family, and Sooner football.

But do they see Jesus consistently? And do they see me championing others even when the world tells me I shouldn't?

I have to be honest, I know there are some posts in here that don't.

Right now, I'm going through a hard season, but there are a lot of people around me going through good seasons.

"Rejoice with those who rejoice; mourn with those who mourn." - Romans 12:15

I am exactly where I am supposed to be right now in my life. Whether I like it or not, being part of the momma's that have lost a child club, is part of my ministry. What will others see about this time? I can tell you that while Lily's death hurts and I am struggling like I never have been before, I still feel a sense of rebirth and hope. I so desperately want a clean slate. I want to be as confident as I once was. I want to be fresh and a light for Jesus. I am wrestling with my faith as many often do when they lose a loved one like this, but I want others to see that this time can be survived and even thrived in.

Some day, it will be my turn to rejoice. For now, it is my time to mourn. God has me where he needs me, even if I hate it and even if I'm ready to be done with this time. There things I wouldn't be open to otherwise if I were not in this place.

I hope from here on out, you see me as someone who champions others, no matter where they are in life.

Happy Monday!

(You can find the link here for BooMama's keynote here.  I highly recommend it. Obviously.)


Monday, October 27, 2014

Ask and then listen

When I think about my blog, I think I'm not really interested in writing at this point. I'm also not interested in answering the question, "How are you doing?" either. Because the answer still includes my daughther being dead. And it's hard. Just is. Hard doesn't necessarily mean bad either, for the record.

Here's my point, sometimes when a parent loses a child, they want to talk. Sometimes, they don't.

For me, my personal rules so far for this situation seem to be as follows. If I want to talk then, I will respond. If I don't, then I won't. Most of the time, I don't need to be asked, I will just start talking. But if I don't answer THE question, then just go along with it. I know people care, and believe me I appreciate it, but I don't want to talk about how things are in public. I cry when I talk and I prefer not to do that. Further, telling me things like "God won't give you anything you can't handle" are rude and frankly, not biblical. So please don't say it. Honestly, when I respond, just listening to me is all I want you to do.

More simply said, Ask and then listen.



Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Because He sees me.

Brandon is passed out asleep already and I wanted someone to know that God sees me, so I figured the blog world will do.

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This post has two back stories.

(You shouldn't be surprised.)

Back Story #1

On Sunday night, I pretty much was as bad as a hot mess can get. I mentioned in my post that I had talked to my dad and to Brandon. What I didn't tell you was that when I was talking to them, it was through choked sobs. I haven't had tears wrack my body like that in I don't know when. In fact, I haven't cried that hard this entire year...not even when they took Lily away in the hospital.

When we last left off in the proverbial story, I was desperately asking God to show me that he sees me. I was so confused about my life and what I should do. I needed God so desperately to tell me what to do. Nothing else was working. Clearly, my plans weren't. I just needed God to tell me what to do with my life.

Sunday night I slept horribly. I maybe got three hours tops. I kept myself busy so that I would sleep hard on Monday night. Brandon barely made it through our nightly prayer before I was out. I slept hard. I woke up at 8ish this morning and then fell back asleep until 11am. I needed to sleep. OBVIOUSLY.

Quick Back Story #2

I am doing the "Children of the Day" Bible study by Beth Moore. It's the first time I've done a study of hers.

Back stories over.

(Told you that last one was quick.)

WAIT. I forgot to tell you that I'm a week behind and am catching up. I did three days worth today.

Okay. NOW the back story is over.

(Still was pretty quick for me.)

(I'm just sayin'.)

HERE'S MY POINT: God sees me!

Tonight, I did the fifth day of the first week. It felt like that last page of this day of study was just for me. At the end of the study was a verse,

"For I consider that the sufferings of this present time are not worth comparing with the glory that is going to be revealed to us." - Romans 8:18

I realized that this verse was about the glory and hope I had in heaven. Then, I immediately thought about a verse that has the phrase, "make paths straight" and so I whipped out my bible app and
Proverbs 3:6 says, "In all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight."

I had told my dad that I needed God to tell me what to do.

I can't find the quote that's short enough or a clip. At the end of the movie, "The Wizard of Oz," Dorothy has been left by the Wizard and she is afraid she won't be able to get home. Glinda the Good Witch of the North shows up and Dorothy pleads desperately for the Good Witch of the North to help her. Glinda says, "You don't need to be helped any longer. You've always had the power to go back to Kansas."

Like Dorothy, I didn't need the help of the world, which was pretty much every way I had turned so far. I turned to Brandon, my dad, and the Committee, and to the law, for help to grieve, help to know what to do with my life.

Tonight I turned from my worldly gods of success and pride and even family and friends a bit to God.

God was telling me what to do with Proverbs 3:6. He's going to make my paths straight and clear up the confusion in my life. All I have to do is seek is will in everything I do. 

Do I have the answers to all those questions from the previous post? NOPE. But I'm going to seek God's will in every way of my life. I'm not worried or nervous about how it will all play out. 

When I bought that study work book last Friday, God knew where I would be on Sunday night. He knew where I would be on Monday. He knew where I would be today all day. He knew where I would be tonight too.

Because He sees me.

Monday, September 8, 2014

On living life in a world full of unanswered questions...

"Our Father which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
as we forgive our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil:
For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever.
Amen." - Matthew 6:9-13 KJV

"Therefore, I urge you brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." - Romans 12:1-2 NIV

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." - John 16:33 NLT

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NOTE: I am writing this down and putting it out into the great wide "internets" because I know someone some day will need some reassurance or reminder that she isn't alone in this world...and wherever you are pretty girl, I want you to know that you'll get through this and that Jesus loves you.

That being said...

I found out on Friday that I failed the bar. Again.

If you're keeping count for the "home team," this year, I thought I was supposed to start my career and start being a momma.

Both of those decisions were met with a big fat no from God. Maybe they are a "not right now" and I just can't see it.

Either way, I am really confused about life as I know it.

I've had people from the legal world tell me they can't believe I took the bar. I guess I was shooting for the moon a bit. I don't really know truthfully. Every person that goes to law school has an ego. If they think they don't, they're only lying to themselves. (If one of my law professors read that sentence, he'd lose his mind over the grammatical errors in that sentence. FYI.)

Tonight, I spoke with my dad about it and he said, "the first time, could have been a fifty/fifty shot at passing. You didn't know what it felt like to sit in that room. The second time, you weren't studying to pass. You were studying to take your mind off of what was going on with Lily."

Those things are true, but all I know is that I am now left more confused than ever.

I naively thought that as of Friday, while I was hurting over Lily that surely, I would have direction on what my next step would be. I even had begun to plan my life out again...

Apparently, I still haven't learned my lesson.

Now, I'm left with questions. It seems like they are endless. For example...

When do we start trying again to have a baby? On the one hand...I don't really feel like we can really try right now because the next bar is in six months. I've known since I was 17 that I wanted to be a lawyer. I need to make an earnest attempt at passing it. On the other hand, I've only just figured out this year at 29 years old that I wanted to be a mom. I don't really want to wait on that either. I've learned in a big way that so many things can go wrong and that only increases with age. That being said, I know that as soon as I find out I am pregnant again, I'll worry immediately that everything is going to be okay. I'll try my hardest not to worry because I know that's what the Bible tells me not to do, but I know how hard it will be otherwise.

What do I do for a job? I still don't know a ton of people in the legal community here. Quite frankly, many would see this very blog post as a sign of weakness and figure out a way to use it against me. So I'm not exactly marketable right now. And yet as crazy at it sounds, I'm still tempted to get my foot in the door. I know working would help me tremendously. That being said, I wonder if I would benefit from working in a place like Barnes and Noble so I could still have time to think things out and work through my grief. I don't say this to brag, but people have looked to me to have answers. I'm someone who always has answers about everything. Right now, I feel like I know just about nothing.

I know that life truly could be worse. In fact, I'm scared to death of that. I don't know what all to pray these days, but I do beg God to not let me be like Job. I know how selfish and whiny that sounds as a believer, but it's the absolute truth of where I am right now.

As a I said a couple of weeks ago, I'm still in that war zone. I think Pat Benatar said it best, "Love is a battlefield." When I'm in my hometown, I can't go a certain way at night time because it takes me past the cemetery where Lily is buried. I know in my heart of hearts that she is okay and that she is with Jesus, but what I can see and what I remember is that her little body is in a hole in the ground. My heart is so broken that I can't overcome the physical of this world right now. I know that to a certain extent, my heart won't be fully healed until I meet Jesus myself. (See Revelations 21:4) I'll always live with this hurt. It's kind of like the thorn in Paul's side he talks about in the Bible.

I know that part of that battle is deciding to not follow Jesus or to follow Jesus. I know that grief is just another form of spiritual warfare. It's the one question in my life I know the answer to right now.

(Well that and being married to Brandon. I know that is another non-questionable issue in my life. I feel like that should go without saying.)

Straight up, following Jesus is the only option for me. I know the only reason, I have survived the past month and even had a couple of good days is because of the hope I have in him. My dad told me tonight that he and my mom wish they could take the hurt for me. But you know that's what Jesus did on the cross. He took the hurt I am experiencing right now. He died for it. And so, even with all the hurt and heartache I have in my life right now, I still trust Him. I do. Because of his death, I have the promise of eternity. I also have the love of my husband and our families.

But in this present darkness, I need Jesus to show me that He sees me and hasn't forgotten about me. 

Wednesday, September 3, 2014

When we were little...

I read somewhere once that cousins are a person's first friends.

When Jessi and I were little (and I'm talking pre-Loren and Will here) we were with our cousins and first friends every Sunday. 

We would go to church together with our respective families and then afterwards, we usually had dinners at our Pappaw and Grannie's. Sometimes we got to go to my aunt's house for a change of scenery and on the rare and very special occasion, we ate at Hamlin's.We spent every Christmas Eve together. The 4th of July was always at my aunt's house.

We had a routine of sorts. We knew where we would be on certain days and we knew that we would all be together. Age wise I'm the middle kid of the cousins, but I felt like I had the best of both worlds. I had older girl cousins so I got to do cool stuff that Jessi and my younger boy cousin didn't necessarily get to do. But when the older girls didn't want someone five years younger than them like I am with them, I got to be with the younger crowd. Then, of course, on the days we were with one another because that's where our families were, it was a great day as well. We experienced a lot of things together and as kids are prone to do, got into trouble together. Part of where I get my courage to try new things is from all of my experiences with my cousins.

Then my pappaw got sick and passed away. Suddenly, our world was different. Things weren't the same and we weren't all together anymore. We couldn't, because our pappaw wasn't physically here. We still got together, but it hurt because we knew someone was missing.

Then Loren and Will were born.

It's crazy to think about, but when families are younger there's a natural closeness that happens because there aren't all the activities to do when the kids in the families are older. The getting together part becomes harder. The families have new obligations to make in order to make new families begin down the line.

At the time, we still made the important dates together, but the dinners every Sunday after church didn't happen anymore. We all kept getting older and well like I said... life happened. Our Grannie passed away as well and it was harder because now two people were missing. Loren and Will didn't get the experience that the older five of us did when we were little.

This year the oldest cousin and I were both expecting. In fact, Lily has an older second cousin. He's super cute and part of what I thought about was the two of them being together initially. Obviously things turned out differently.

(Side note: I'm sure some people are tired of hearing about that by now, but it's my reality. I think talking about what is real as opposed to living in denial of what my story is probably better for me.)

But here is my point: As I assume you've gathered by now, all of us hadn't been together in a long time. The cousins are now adults with jobs and babies of our own to take care of and life has kept us busy.

When Lily was born, through the power of technology, all seven of us got to be together again. This past Labor Day weekend, we got to be together again physically too, husbands, boyfriends, and Lily's older cousin too. We laughed about all our old times and explained to Loren and Will how my dad and our cousins' momma act like our Pappaw and Grannie in their own ways.

We hit up Lake Tenkiller on Sunday. While we were out there I thought about the past month and all that has happened. I couldn't help but smile. It was like riding a bike, the seven of us being together like we were little again. I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Lily did that.

While it's still really hard that she isn't here with us, it's still really great that part of her story is we are all together again. Lily gave us a reality check. It's important for us to be together even when it's hard. Helps to know what we have is really great and special and will continue when other loved ones go on to heaven.

It's worth saying again...my little girl did that.

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Instead.

Today was Lily's planned due date. Instead, I am three weeks post-partum.

Three weeks ago, as the day of her birth progressed and grew longer, I knew what was coming, but I wouldn't say it or acknowledge it. The nurse came in the afternoon to do a check on me and when she left, Brandon asked her if she would tell our family that we needed a little bit of time to ourselves. She said, "Sure" and then left quietly.

And Brandon grabbed my hand...."Sweetheart, I think we need to say our goodbyes. Lily is starting to look different and I don't want you remembering this part. I want you to remember how beautiful and peaceful she looked."

I knew he was right. I just didn't want to let her go. I wanted to hold her forever.

I wanted to be her mommy the way people are supposed to be mommies.

Our families came back in and Brandon told them it was time. They each took one last time to hold her and to tell her that they loved her. I cried the entire time and my arms just ached. I wanted them to hurry so I could hold my girl again because I knew it would be the last time I did. 

They left and then it was just the three of us. It was one of the most wonderful and yet simultaneously heartbreaking times of my life. We talked to her. We unwrapped her from her blankie and just looked at her. We told her that we loved her and that we would miss her desperately every day. (And we do.) And then because I couldn't do it, Brandon buzzed for the nurse.

She came in quietly and I asked her to please keep her wrapped tightly because she was cold. I handed Lily to her and because my arms hurt so badly, I held onto Brandon so tightly as I sobbed as she walked out the door with my girl.

My arms still hurt.

I find myself zoning out, thinking about Lily. I think about the way she looked. She had a cabbage patch nose and the most beautiful little lips. She had puffy cheeks and a chin just like her daddy's. Her eyes were fused closed. So even if she was born alive, she wouldn't have been able to see us when we told her that we loved her. Her hands and her feet were the most perfect little hands and feet I've ever seen.

When I zone, I remember what it felt like to hold her and how tiny she was. Then I look down and instead, see all I have is her blankie from the hospital and I remember where I am and where she is.

In some ways, all that happened three weeks ago seems easier than today does. We've all heard the phrase, "it's gonna get worse before it gets better." I can't see that being the case for this situation. It will always be hard. We will just be distracted more in the future, instead of being consumed by our grief constantly.

Do I think we will have more kids? Yes, I do. But it doesn't mean that I didn't want Lily. I want her with all of my heart. The problem is the way that she was made means she was never meant for this world. Instead, she was meant to be with Jesus.

But I am selfish because I want my baby here.

Instead of taking my baby home, I had to let her go. Instead of learning all there is to know about her for years to come, I had to hand her to a nurse and say goodbye.

Instead of seeing her daily, I have to wait.

Instead...

Thursday, August 14, 2014

War Zone

Everything hurts now.

Well, maybe I should clarify. Physically, I'm healing well. That's about the only thing I've got going for me.

Everywhere else...different story.

Remember when I said I felt like I'd been shot and was staring down the barrel of a gun waiting for the second shot to go off?

A second shot would have felt like a mercy.

I feel like I am in a war zone.

Nighttime is hard. I know in my heart that she is in heaven, whole, healthy, and happy, but physically, the last thing I saw was her little casket in a big old vault. And it is just so sad to think about her little body in there by itself.

Right now, my heart is broken, and so I'm having a hard time overcoming what I've seen versus what I can't see.

There are also a ton of new beginnings and so many good things going on right now.

School is starting.
New babies are being born.
Football season is around the corner.

But all I can see is the ending of my pregnancy and her life.

Everywhere I look is just another reminder too...especially my own body.

My tummy has gone down a lot.
My boobs are starting to go down as well.
The swelling is gone in my feet, face, and hands.
I don't have too much soreness left.

My whole body just aches from my heart ache quite honestly.

People somewhat expect me to be me too. But I'm just not. I wrote a few months ago that there are some things that will remain the same, but there will be things that are different too. I don't think it's a coincidence that in all of this time I haven't seen a rainbow after a storm. (It's not for lack of trying either.)

All I feel right now is the different.

I wish that she was healthy.
I wish that she was alive.
I wish that she wasn't sick.
I wish that she was here with me.

And also?

I wish I wasn't in this war zone.

I know that Jesus is the great healer and so far He has healed my daughter.

All I want to feel is better.

I want Him to get me out of this war zone.

I'm ready for him to bind up my wounds, wipe away my tears, fight off the enemy, and help me stand.

I'm ready to see that I'm going to be okay.

Most of all, I'm ready to see the rainbow...
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Hi y'all! The name's Samantha. You can call me Sam if you like. I am a somewhat newlywed that is Southern Baptist by denomination, a Sooner born and Sooner bred and when I die I'll be Sooner dead, Democrat by party, blonde to the core, and oldies but goodies kind of girl.
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