"They went to a place called Gethsemane, and Jesus said to his disciples, 'Sit here while I pray.' He took Peter, James, and John along with him, and he began to be deeply distressed and troubled. 'My soul is overwhelmed with sorrow to the point of death,' he said to them. 'Stay here and keep watch.'
Going a little farther he fell to the ground and prayed that if possible the hour might pass from him. 'Abba, Father,' he said, 'everything is possible for you. Take this cup from me. Yet not what I will, but what you will.'" - Mark 14:32-36
I have had the following conversation several times since Lily's diagnosis was confirmed by the amniocentesis:
Other person: Hey Sam, how's it going?
Me: Good days and bad. I'm emotionally drained from the pregnancy. Things that I probably would chalk up to being normal stress me out. While I'm ready to be done, it also makes me sad because I know that when I am, she won't be here for very long either. It's a double edged sword."
Other person: Don't give up hope. God performs miracles every day. And I pray every night for you to have that miracle.
When I have this conversation with people, I want them to know that I, of all people, don't want my daughter to die. The only other person that could possibly want it more than me is Brandon.
But I don't think God is going to take this cup from us.
I so desperately wish He was. I've never wanted something so badly in all my life. But I don't think that's what Lily's story is going to be.
That reality is just really hard to say because then it's out there and it's real and there's nothing that can be done about it. I don't think people want to believe it anymore than I do. So most of the time, I'm just quiet. I think it's a coping mechanism more than anything.
There are some times when I can't stop the pain. My triggers lately happen with two situations. The first is when I see new babies come into the world. The hardest part of seeing all these pictures of families looking happy is watching the daddy drive the family home. The other is watching all the nurseries and shopping trips and all the little rites of passage of getting ready for baby coming together.
We haven't made any major shopping trips.
We don't have a nursery.
I can count on one hand how many outfits she has.
Brandon likely won't get to take Lily home.
Some days the pain of what lies ahead of us is overwhelming, but it doesn't mean that I don't think she isn't a miracle.
I think it's crazy to know that Jesus knew what was ahead of him. He knew it was going to hurt and that it was going to be humbling, and that he was going to be humiliated. And it's why he asked for his Father to get him out of what was coming.
I so identify with this. I know Lily dying is going to hurt. I know Lily dying is going to be humbling. To some extent, I know that Lily dying is going to be humiliating. I wish that last part wasn't true, but there are some people that don't think about what they say and things will happen that I just can't control.
But you know what Jesus also knew? He knew that his death would bring the resurrection which is the single greatest miracle this world has ever known.
Now I don't think that Lily is going to be resurrected by any means, but I do think that there will be beauty from the ashes that I can't even begin to fathom or know about yet. While I can't see past my nose for trying some days, I know that our redemption will come.
It has to come. It just has to...
1 hour ago