Sunday, November 20, 2016

Attention Allergy Mommas...

So my weekend away was great...

BUT.

I came home to two little girls broken out in hives. We have narrowed it down to a potential pumpkin allergy or a viral thing with hives as a result of getting it out of our system. That said, we've had reactions to cheese in mac and cheese before too.

We are okay with Kraft mac and cheese, but not velveeta mac and cheese. Any idea on what's in one that's not in the other?

Also, what kind of laundry detergent do you use? I can't use Tide because I break out in hives. Their entire lives they've been exposed to Arm and Hammer Sensitive, but we recently used All Free and Clear and then went back to Arm and Hammer Sensitive. Have your kids suddenly developed an allergy like that?

We have consulted our pediatrician which is why we've narrowed it down to two possibilities, but I also wanted to reach out to y'all to ask for any tips and tricks.

We are currently washing all clothes and sheets and getting rid of all things pumpkin. Everyone will be showered before nights end and we've got the girls on a diet of things we know don't bother them.

Anyone have any thoughts or experience??

I appreciate your help in advance!

Happy Sunday and Thanksgiving Week!!

Friday, November 18, 2016

Normal...

Flowers and pumpkin pie from my boo...

I've been ripping lots of proverbial bandaids off here recently. It's been scary and exhilarating at the same time.

This weekend I'm spending my first night away from the girls. I know I need it. I'm certain it will make me a better mom, wife, and person period. Last night I was talking to my sisters about hurrying at eating in the car before I

BUT.

I am always, always, always, going to struggle with leaving my babies. I can only describe so much what it is to hand off your baby and to never get her back this side of heaven. It's excruciating and even now as I write these very words, hot tears are rolling down my face and it's hard for me to breathe.

Last night I was at an event and I was talking to a momma like me. She said when it came time to leave her rainbow baby, she was determined to be normal. I told her I got it, but I laid awake last night thinking about it and it's been in the back of my mind, all day. I don't know what normal is. I know there's the definition and the desire to continue to move forward.

However, for me, desiring to be normal is something I don't know I care about anymore. Don't get me wrong, there are days I wish I wasn't this girl and I didn't always feel the need to explain that not all my babies are here. I can't help it. I feel it's a discredit to her name and honor if I don't.

Brandon brought me a pumpkin pie and flowers today because he knew I would be struggling. When I saw them, I teared up because I knew he knew. I'm eternally grateful for a husband who knows who I am at the end of the day. I'm a momma to the living and to the dead. Both types of me exist at the same time. I'm not concerned with apologizing for it anymore. Maybe this is what my 30s will be like.

Who knows...? Guess we will find out together.

Happy Friday!!

P.S. My husband and parents have the girls. They're in good hands. 

Wednesday, November 16, 2016

It's been 9 months and 8 days since my last blog post...

When I started my blog I never thought I'd live to see the day when I wasn't posting regularly, but like the title of the post says, it's been 9 months and 8 days. I think life just has been busy. I also have been more on Instagram.

When I watched other mommas write about their babies, I always daydreamed about when it would be my turn. I got their birth story out and that was it. I feel more private about them in a way. Sounds silly, I'm sure, but sharing on Instagram doesn't seem so intrusive. I still want them to have their own story as much as they can in this technology age.

So all of that said, I still want to write my story about my oldest. JessiKa (from now on can we all just agree that when I write out JessiKa and JessiCa, in your head you just read Jessika with a K and Jessica with a C, which that last one really doesn't count because we call her Jessi. Okay? Okay!) pointed out to me today that I'd not written and I've been praying about writing and my new business recently. I told her to pray that I'd find balance. After I said it, I realized that I have to do my part and seek it out too. So here I am writing this lame-o dust off ye old blog post.

But hey! It's a start, right?

Speaking of The Committee (HELLO RANDOM SEGUE!) , we are all doing well. We talk on the regular and cuss and discuss all manner of things. The latest includes the Duggar wedding, setting JessiCa up on a blind date, sippy cups, the presidential election, family, and as always, the ever elusive hunt for the perfect mascara.

Brandon is good too. We love NWA and our church and we cannot get over the fact that we are parents to twins. I don't want to sound egotistical, but it really is another animal to be parents to multiples.

Speaking of the girls, they're up from nap, so I've got to skidaddle.

In closing, I hope this becomes more of a regular thing. Pray that it does because that means my book will come too and I really really really have a desire to write it.

Also, to my LipSense girls that are here because I posted I'm writing again, hey girl hey! I'm glad you're here! To everyone that's known me since forever, I have a blog. Surprise!

Happy Hump Day y'all!!

Monday, February 8, 2016

Monday Mumblings...

I used to mumble on Mondays. It was a thing. People were used to it.


  • I blogged on Friday and today. Someone needs to write this down or take a picture. 
  • We are all still assimilating to our new normal. Pais and Sugar are starting to accept that they are now just dogs and not our babies/dogs. 
  • I haven't had my hair done since November. I have NEVER gone this long without getting my hair done. 
  • When I start a new bible study, I love to take it to Office Max and have it bound so it will lay flat. Anyone else?
  • This is the first time in forever that I've not seen any of the Oscar nominated films and I'm totally okay with it. I'll still be watching because duh.
  • People have been asking and while I think it's kind of personal, I've been pumping, nursing and supplementing with the girls. It works for us and I get some sleep.
  • I made a chart with a daily to-do list for my fridge. It's an obnoxious neon pink color, but I don't constantly have that list running through my head all day. 
  • I'm sad that Downton Abbey, Good Wife and another show that I can't remember are ending.
  • Speaking of TV, I've been working my way through Friends for the first time. 
  • My current favorite snack is a cold coke and an oatmeal creme pie. Breaking up with those two when I stop pumping will be a sad day. 
  • I'm making it to bed before 10pm tonight. Boom shaka laka.
Happy Monday! 

Friday, February 5, 2016

On Becoming Mommy and Daddy Again: Kylene and Eleanor's Birth Story

The last time we "saw" the girls was Thursday. We could see their lungs literally breathing in and out. The nursery was full, all we needed are the two that live there. We spent the weekend waiting to see our girls.

I spent the weekend waiting to hold them and hear them.

Before December 21, 2015, I didn't know what a loud delivery room sounded like.

It had been 502 days since I held their big sister. I'd held Jessika's little girl, Piper, and my niece Lorelai. But each time I had to psych myself up. To hold a healthy alive baby always conjured up a lot of emotions for me. So while everyone treated us like celebrities because we were the ones having the twins, all I thought about that morning was hearing them, seeing them, and holding them.

We walked into the pre-op area and waited to be taken back so I could be prepped. It felt like we sat there FOR.EV.ER. ( said in my very best Squintz Paladores voice) and we finally were taken to Pre-Op Area #3. I got undressed and into my gown and the games began.

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The thing about having a baby or babies in my case, is that I have to give a history about how many times I've been pregnant. Every person that came in to see me had routine questions. But when I answered this was my second pregnancy and that my first baby was a Trisomy 13 baby, they knew who I was almost immediately. (There are about 4 Trisomy 18 babies a year born at this hospital. Trisomy 13 is more rare and so when it happens, it's usually 1 or 2.) I was the one person in 2014 at this hospital. So for them to see me with a second pregnancy and two babies at that, I am almost certain that every person we saw that asked me this question, teared up.
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One Last Belly Shot! 


Me looking not so glamorous.

My parents and siblings showed up at 8am. By then, I'd had my IV placed. My dad had bought new jeans and a sweater the day before for the occasion. It was funny and cute all at the same time. He wore green and my mom wore red. They were incredibly festive. We talked for a little bit. I don't remember what about, but soon my siblings came in the back.

This was particularly hard for me because the last time the five of us were together at this hospital, it was for Lily. If Jessi, Loren, or Will were thinking about it, they never let on. They were "right jolly old el[ves]."Right before they came in the back, I'd been given some pepcid which thank goodness because my acid reflux was STRONG that morning and another medicine I don't remember the name of, but it made me SUPER SLEEPY. And I repeated myself a lot. When I say SUPER SLEEPY, I mean, I was ready to take a nap right then. And if that doesn't let you know how sleepy I was, I wanted to take the nap and once I woke up, then I'd have the girls. I told anyone that would listen too. Jessi, Loren, and Will laughed at me. Brandon said this is what I'm like when I've been drinking. I repeat myself over. And over. And over. It's an endearing quality, I tell you. The nurse continued to prep me and soon it was time to go back for surgery. My little sisters and brother told me they loved me. We took one last picture, of course, flattering of them and not of me, but it's the name of the game at 9 months pregnant.

Now I have to pause and say that we'd been told Friday that Brandon would come in when I was fully prepped. He'd be in there for the duration of the surgery and then I'd go to recovery with the girls and he'd have to go back out front during that time. This was incredibly upsetting for both of us. For Brandon, this was as much his opportunity to be with his girls that weren't going anywhere and were healthy as much as it was mine. For me, it was hard because of his feelings, but also because he's my rock.

I was brave and hadn't cried until we got to the point where Brandon had to stay behind for a bit. The nurse was pretty funny. She said, "Now if you want to kiss her or anything, this is your time. If you cry, Samantha, I promise not to tell. But Brandon, I will tell on you." Of course, tears pricked my eyes, but we moved swiftly down the hall and into the OR. It was cold and I could tell this was going to be a somewhat swift process. So I didn't have time for a full on ugly cry, mercifully.

The nurses got me on the table and I got my spinal block.

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Side note: I prefer a vaginal birth to a c-section all day. There are some women that claim that a c-section is better than a vaginal birth. I disagree. I'd much rather push my babies out.
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The numbing shot hurt worse than the pressure from the spinal block as it usually does. Then they laid me down and stretched my arms out. Dr. P came into the room. I had seen her a couple of times throughout my pregnancy. She was the on-call surgeon that day. When she came to see me before the c-section, she was so excited about the day. Told me she couldn't wait to see how big my girls were. The lead surgical nurse gave my case notes and it was game on. I couldn't see anything over the top, but all I kept thinking about was seeing my girls. Before I knew it, Dr. P. said, "Hey dad, we want you to come sit right here." Even now, thinking about Brandon grabbing my hand, brings tears to my eyes.

I knew we were incredibly close to hearing either a loud delivery room or a not loud delivery room. I know how pessimistic this might sound to some, but being in a situation where things are eerily quiet and it being the only thing I knew, I struggled with trusting that things were going to be okay until the very end. That's how serious satan is about stealing, killing, and destroying everything we have in this world. He had worked hard to steal my joy and wouldn't let go of the fight until the end. The NICU teams were standing by and we were just waiting for Dr. P. to pull Baby A out.

I want to add that my bible study teacher and mentor, Kathy, had told me she had been praying that God would bring the girls when it was time for them to be here. Not when anyone else wanted them here, but when He wanted them here.

Dr. P. said, "Okay, guys, here we go!"

And it was the most beautiful cry I'd ever heard. It was loud and strong. They showed me Baby A and I knew she was my Kylene. Tears just streamed down my face and I was smiling so hard at the same time. Dr. P. said she had some meconium in her sac, but it wasn't in her at all. I immediately thought of what Kathy had told me. She was there right on time just like Kathy had prayed.

Kylene Iris born at 9:27 am weighing 6 lbs. 13 oz and 20 inches long. 

Then Dr. P. said, "Okay now Baby B, you gotta come down here. We're ready to see you." True to form, my little Eleanor was feisty to the end of her time in the womb. She came out screaming as well, but it was much louder. The room sounded like the busiest street in Manhattan; the place was rocking.

Eleanor Kay born at 9:28 am, weighing 6lbs and 19 3/4 inches long

I kept asking if they were okay and everyone said yes over their cries.

It was loud and chaotic and wonderful.

I asked again and the lead on the NICU said, "They are wonderful and there isn't even a need for us to be here." 

They were busy cleaning up the girls to bring to me. (Yay for baby friendly hospitals and skin to skin during c-sections!) Unfortunately, that's when things went a little crazy. I could suddenly feel things. They gave me meds, but I still felt things. It hurt so bad and I just kept saying out loud, "I hurt," while inside, I prayed, "Lord help me." I could feel myself trying to have a panic attack because I was so frightened. They gave the girls to Brandon while they tried to get my pain managed.
If you look closely, you can see tears rolling down his face.
He told me that he couldn't believe it was for real and that they were okay until this moment. 

Finally, I went into running mode. When I run, sometimes, a run is hard. So I tell myself, you've done this many miles. You only have this much to go. A mental check list if you will. So I told the CRNA, tell me what I have left to do. Talk me through it like we're finishing a race/to-do list.

It helped, but it still hurt.

Thankfully, they placed the best distraction of my life on my chest at that moment, my girls. They were still crying, but they also seemed to relax when they heard me talk. They were so warm and bright pink. They were as healthy as could be. 


Me and my girls. 


Finally, they got me closed up and we took our first photo as a family of four.

They wrapped up the girls while they moved me to a different bed. I saw the placenta before they moved me. I know that might sound weird, but we had to monitor for TTS the entire pregnancy and I wanted to see the magnificent life source that God built to sustain my girls until it was time to come to us. It was massive. I actually told it, goodbye. The nurses laughed at me. What can I say, I like to keep things funny and yet inappropriate at times.

Once placed in my new bed, they handed me my girls. All three of us were snuggled in tight and we were out of there. I still hadn't seen their faces straight on, but I didn't care. I could hear them breathe and move and they cried and were calmed when I talked to them. They needed me and I was happy to be their momma.

We made it back to the recovery area and I spent some time just telling them how much I loved them. The nurses continued to check on me. We got warm blankets, more questions and the pushing of my tummy. It hurt so bad. It's one of the worst parts in my opinion.

And yes, I still was answering questions about my first pregnancy. Finally, one of the nurses said to me, "I'm so sorry you have to answer these questions like this. What was her name?" I told her Lily. From then on, they referred to my first pregnancy not as a pregnancy, but my child. Bed side manner counts nurses and doctors. It counts. To be validated not only as Kylene and Eleanor's momma, but Lily's momma on that day was something that I will have with me for the rest of my life and it was because one brunette nurse stopped and took less than 30 seconds to ask me her name.

To my utter surprise, I suddenly heard the nurses talking about going to get Brandon. The CRNA brought him back and said, "I am so happy for you guys. Your story makes today even more special." I was doing skin to skin at that point. The brunette nurse told him that he could do it as well. So he did. The nurses thought it was awesome that Brandon was so hands on, no questions asked. He was in it as a daddy.

It was then that we officially nailed down who was who. We'd known names, but we wanted to see the girls first before we decided.

Baby A was Kylene Iris - Brandon's middle name is Kyle. I wanted to name a child after him because just about everyone in my family is named after someone. He loves that everyone is connected to someone, but still their own person. I do too. But this became a more pressing desire for me after Lily was born because he was one of the first peple that God used after Lily was born to show God's perfect love never gives up (see 1 Corinthians 13:8). Brandon's paternal grannie's name is Lorene. She's one of the sweetest ladies. Some of Brandon's fondest memories growing up include times at his PawPaw and Grannie's. So to keep her name feminine and very lady-like just like his Grannie, we added the second syllable from her name.

Iris is the Greek word. These girls are ​our double rainbow after the storm. ​When Kylene and Eleanor ask us about their names, I always want to tell them that God was faithful even when times were hard and He never forgot about us and on the day we found out God was blessing us again, He sent us a double rainbow that day. ​

Since you know we love nicknames - her possibilities are Kyleigh​/Kyle/Kit (her initials)​.

Baby B was Eleanor Kay - My paternal great mammaw was Nora Ella. She had a stillborn baby and the doctors told her that she shouldn't have any more. She ​didn't agree and told them as such but in 1920s words. She had one more​ baby​ and that was my pappaw. Without him, ​I​ wouldn't exist. I want my girls to be brave and my great mammaw is a good example of how you can come back from a bad situation and do it well. But we chose Eleanor because ​Disney's live action of Cinderella this year​ came out around the time we were discussing when we should have kids again and had a conversation as we were walking into the theater to see the film. ​At the beginning is a ​short film for Frozen and Anna had on a sunflower dress and there were sunflowers everywhere​ because it was her birthday and they are her favorite flower​. Then ​Cinderella ​began​ and butterflies were present. Butterflies were a big deal to ​B​randon like sunflowers were to me​ after we found out Lily's diagnosis and her subsequent death​. We both liked Ella and kind of knew that if we had a girl, she'd be an Ella​ in some form​. ​Lily James also happened to play Ella in the movie and when I pointed that out to Brandon​, it was almost too perfect for us.

 Kay is my middle name. It's also my mom's.​ So it's another family name. Plus both of us have K middle names and we wanted our girls to have a K aspect in their name as well.​ ​Kay means fire. I love that. I want our girls to burn bright in all they do. ​

Possible nicknames are Ella and Ellie. I also love the name Scout for her. (Think To Kill a Mockingbird.)

Lily, Kylene, and Eleanor's momma and daddy. 
We were eventually wheeled into our room. Soon after, our families came in and we introduced our girls to them. The girls had many visitors their first day on Earth and throughout their hospital stay.

It was the best day ever. The next day we celebrated our 8th wedding anniversary. We had hospital food and baby snuggles, the perfect anniversary dinner.




We took our girls home the 23rd, ahead of schedule because they were the healthiest in the nursery and celebrated Christmas and New Years shortly after.

My favorite Christmas presents ever. (Kylene in red. Eleanor in white.)

Life since then has been loud, wonderful, sleep-deprived, and just the best.

I now know what a loud delivery room sounds like. Doubly so, and my cup, it runneth over. 

Happy Friday friends!!

(Sorry this took so long. I've been busy with two very beautiful little girls.) 

Thursday, December 31, 2015

On Becoming Mommy and Daddy again: Kylene and Eleanor's Birth Story

At our last appointment with the specialist, both girls were head down. Eleanor had switched back and forth multiple times, but she looked pretty in place. The specialist was very pleased and told us that our girls were his "A +" twins because they'd done so well.

As an aside, I have to admit that every time we went to the specialist, I still got nervous something was going to be wrong. Every time it wasn't. God continually was faithful and I'm sure at times annoyed with me, because I was so afraid something was wrong and not trusting Him that it would be. I know I certainly get annoyed when someone questions my word or integrity. But you know, God was so loving and encouraging every time I worried with His assurance through others and His word that my girls were healthy and okay.

I went to my OB later that week and got checked for the first time. Actually, I saw one of his partners that day. I was dilated half a centimeter. My radar picked up a little bit because like my mom and sister, I'll sit at that for a week, but then usually, it's Game Time shortly thereafter. In fact, that night I had some contractions. I had enough that Brandon and I went to Target to finish getting toiletries for our hospital bags. My feet really started to swell every day in the last week and a half too so I rode one of the mobile wheelchairs. They were swollen that day, plus the contractions. So I didn't feel too bad about this new low.

The next week I tried to rest as much as I could, but towards the end with twins, I slept in about 45 minutes to 1 hour and a half stretches at most. I was incredibly tired, but also ready to meet my girls.

36 weeks came and I went to see my doctor again. The plan had always been to induce on the 20th provided they were in position to do so. The last time we saw the girls, things were in order, but that week I had hurt like I did the time Eleanor switched to head down position. I also was having contractions so I wasn't sure if she was moving positions or if her movements were just that full since they were so big at this point. Since I wasn't sleeping well, it was harder to tell.

We got in there and sure enough she was breech. Not just breech, but straight up and down. My doctor said we could go ahead with the plan, but if they couldn't flip her, we could do breech delivery but that came with potential complications. We were both OUT on that. We'd already had the complicated birth. Plus at that point, she was measuring bigger than Kylene, so we opted for the C-Section. Friday we went through pre-op and it started to sink in that it was real. We told our families so they knew when to be at the hospital and tried to settle in for our last quiet weekend. We also found out that the partner we'd seen the week before would be performing the C-Section.

On Saturday, my parents came over and went shopping. I got out and about as much as I could. Brandon had hurt his back on earlier that day, so the both of us were a pair by Saturday night. But we wanted to enjoy being together just the two of us as much as we could.

After church, we went for Chinese food and then saw Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens. I was very pleased with this film and love there is a new girl super hero! My husband was on cloud nine because he had his favorite meal and saw his favorite franchise's new movie. After the film, we headed home and made sure we had everything we needed and that the house was in order. Surprisingly, I slept for about 5-6 hours. Brandon couldn't get comfortable and also he was nervous. This is the exact opposite for how it normally is for us. Normally, I'm the one who tosses and turns.

Six o'clock came and I popped out of bed. I threw on a pair of clean pjs and checked my bag one last time. I also touched up my hair. I wasn't allowed to wear make-up, but I was definitely not going into the OR without my hair done. We listened to Christmas music on the way to the hospital. I swear it might have been the worst selection of Christmas music, I've ever heard in my life. And listen, I love Celine Dion, but she does not need to be singing Feliz Navidad. We finally made it to the hospital and sat there for about ten minutes before we headed inside. We were early. So we prayed over the day and our girls again. Then we headed inside....

Thursday, November 19, 2015

On texts at 3:30 in the morning...

Last night I got up to pee at 3:30 and noticed I had some texts from my Bubba. Some were sent to our family group text, but one was sent directly to me. It said simply, "Love you sis." I responded and told him I loved him too. To my surprise, the stinker was awake. Chalk that up to #collegelifeproblems that I remember all too well. But also, our family policy has pretty much been just to text when we need to and one of us will respond as soon as we can. When I was in law school, they used to laugh at how they wouldn't hear from me for hours at a time and then all of a sudden, they'd have 10 texts in response to various things said throughout the day.

But I digress. Come to find out, he'd been reading my blog. Said he hadn't read it in a long time and couldn't sleep. He'd text me originally around 1:50 or so. At that point, he was reading about Lily and the twins. Tears pricked my eyes when I read it because he and Loren have both recently talked about Lily. They both are so tender-hearted in their own ways. Loren told me that she thought about how even though it was a really hard time, that the five of us became closer as a result. Brandon and I also mentioned to her recently that her chin and mouth are the shape that Lily's were. She said that she hadn't thought about what Lily looked like in awhile, but when we said something instantly, she knew it was true. I sometimes forget how much her life and loss of her life affected our families. Or maybe I want to forget because if I remember, it just hurts really bad.

I haven't talked about her in awhile, not like I used to. I think about her every day at some point, but my mind is on the girls a lot. But it's intertwined with things being okay since things with her weren't okay.

This pregnancy has been hard for me. One of the women in my bible study asked me if I have been able to enjoy it. Truthfully, I have to go with the happy times because I know I'll be back to worrying soon. But it's also been hard because Brandon's grief has been delayed. He's just now dealing with some things and it's been incredibly heartbreaking.

I say all of this to say that I told Will I haven't written in awhile because I don't really have the time, but also I've had writer's block. I think that I do have writer's block, but it's almost like the block is related to me not wanting to talk about the same thing over and over again. My worries. My anxieties. My fears.

Because that's where I am. But I suppose that I need to keep writing because there will be other mothers who need to know that they aren't alone when they have a silent freak-out because people want to tell you about the twins they were pregnant with, but lost. This after I've told them that I lost a child. Which I could go on a rant about the stupid things people say. Really I could. And it would be long because people's diarrhea of the mouth seems to know no bounds these days. I have to remind myself that people want to make me feel better the best way they know how. But really, they'd be better off just saying, "I'm sorry to hear that."

Again, I digress. I miss my oldest. I'm incredibly excited and terrified about next month. I so look forward to holding babies that I don't have to let go of or the fact that we won't walk out of the hospital empty-handed. But mostly, I'm afraid it's going to open up some things we haven't thought about in awhile because Lily's not here physically with us.

This is a ramble post, but it's a start.

Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Pregnancy Update

How far along: 23 weeks 4 days

Size of babies: Papayas

Total Weight Gain/Loss: 17 pounds

Babies are: GIRLS!!

Maternity clothing: Yes, especially at work and church. Otherwise, I can get away with comfy shorts and a big t-shirt! Sleep: Well, it wasn't too bad, but here recently, I've had some bouts of insomnia. I'll sleep until about 3 in the morning and then just wake up ready for the world so to speak. I have to be very quiet not to wake up Brandon. I usually watch an episode of West Wing and then head back to sleep.

Movement: Yes! I feel them in the mornings and throughout the day, but at nighttime is when they like to play it seems. My entire side of the family are night owls except my mom and me. Brandon is an early riser too. So this could be interesting if it does bode for the future.

Symptoms: I have acid reflux, but it's completely manageable because I take my meds for it. I puke once every morning, but I don't mind it because once I do, then I can brush my teeth. Otherwise, I have to wait until the middle of the day before I brush them so I won't gag. So I feel like it's a decent trade-off, plus it only lasts for five minutes or so. I talked about the insomnia, but I've also had some leg cramps at night too. I've upped my water intake to see if that will help.

Food cravings/aversions: I have a lot of aversions, but the biggest one is chicken. I don't know what it is about chicken, but it makes me want to hurl. So me and Chick-Fil-A will have a date in the hospital I imagine. I also have to be careful of anything with tomatoes. It makes my acid reflux go into overdrive and also they just taste off right now. I can't explain it, but I promise they will taste normal again at some point.

How is this pregnancy the same/different than with Lily? I am a lot more hormonal this pregnancy. I know that seems to make sense with having two, but there are things I experience that I never did with her. I'm incredibly sentimental. I think I mentioned this on Facebook, but when Abel Frake's pig wins the Grand Prize at the State Fair, I pretty much ugly cry. I can also cry at a commercial. Mind you, they can last less than 15 seconds some times, but apparently, I like to set records. I also am really hot. Like all the time.

Looking forward to: We move into our house this weekend! I have another doctor's appointment next week so I always look forward to seeing my girls. My sister's baby is due in two weeks, so I'm excited about that as well. I also have a baby shower in about a month! I'm incredibly pumped to see all of our friends and family. Of course, I'm also looking forward to meeting my girls and just loving on them.

Happy Wednesday! 

Friday, September 11, 2015

On the realities of a rainbow pregnancy...

"How are you feeling?"

People ask me this all the time. Most of the time, people let me get away with answering the obvious.

The obvious is I puke every morning. It's acid and it only lasts five minutes or so. I usually turn on The West Wing to distract me. The positive is that once I puke, I can brush my teeth without gagging provided that I thoroughly rinse my mouth out once I am finished. For a girl that loves to brush her teeth first thing in the morning, this is a gift. I also have acid reflux, but I take my meds regularly and stay away from things that make it worse for me. This pregnancy is only for a little while. I've recently had some cramping in my legs at night and I also have some slight insomnia, but other than that I feel pretty good.

But then there are others who ask the not obvious.

"How are you doing mentally?"

Honestly, I'm struggling. The roller coaster of a rainbow pregnancy is quite frankly the highest of highs, but it also has some sudden, jerky, hard, frightening lows. There is so much good going on in our life right now. We are moving to a new place. Brandon is doing well at work. I'm enjoying my job. I have an opportunity to be at home with the girls for the majority of the week once they are born.

The girls are healthy. I saw them on Wednesday at the doctor and saw four little chambers in each heart. I cannot tell you what a blessing that was to see when I saw how bad Lily's heart was in comparison last year.

I am growing in my faith like I never have before in my life. God continues to use us and our daughter's story all the time.

BUT.

I am so afraid the bottom will drop out at some point. The fear I have is so intense that sometimes it makes me afraid to walk outside. I refuse to lose this battle, but y'all the enemy doesn't give up so quickly.

I worry so much and it really bothers me because that's me saying to God, I don't trust you. I want nothing more than to trust Him and obey Him.

My mentor recently explained how as Christians we are called to meditate on God's word. (See Psalm 1:2-3) She said that the easiest way she learned how to do it was by thinking about how we worry. I don't have to do anything to worry. I just sit and do it.

For example, I mentioned that I saw the girls on Tuesday, but what I didn't say is that Baby A is a little bigger than Baby B. Because the girls share a placenta, they have a chance for Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. I don't know the percentages of how it works, quite frankly, I don't want to know because it would make things worse for me. But the way TTS works is that one baby can get bigger by getting more blood and nutrients than the other. There are five stages of it. Some don't get it all. Others do and twins pass away from it. Others can sit in level one the entire pregnancy. The specialist that we see is the doctor that we saw for Lily. He's brilliant and I know we are in more than capable hands. When he came in and saw that Baby A weighed more than Baby B, he said "Let's check the other things out that can show early signs. It could be something. It could mean nothing." He checked their amniotic fluid levels, bladders and blood flows from the heart and brains. He was happy with their levels. Said for now that things were fine but if something changed we still had time to have the placenta split and also he wanted to keep me at two weeks. If I went to one week appointments then I should know that something is going on.

I cannot tell you how many times I have turned that conversation over and over in my mind. There are times when I am able to tell myself out loud, "STOP." Sometimes, I start praying, but other times I don't. When I don't I usually go back to worrying pretty quickly.

And it is so disobedient of me. Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." We are COMMANDED as believers not to be anxious. We are also promised that when we turn over requests to God that He will give a peace that surpasses all understanding. We won't know how to explain how we feel, other than to say we know it came from Him.

Y'all. That is one situation. I worry about EVERYONE being okay. Since Lily went to be with Jesus, I worry that I will be okay, that my husband will be okay, that our families will be okay. Hell, I even worry about the words that come out of my mouth. I'm afraid to talk about plans for next week much less next year. I learned that bad things can happen. I felt like I was coming out of that before I got pregnant. I could breathe again a little. Once, I was pregnant again and found out that it was high risk pregnancy again, things took off and some days I don't know how to get off the ride.

Some days are good. Some are not. Some I need to stop and pray almost half-hourly.

It should not be ​this way.

You know why????

The Lord heard my prayers. He granted me what I asked of Him. I should be bursting at the seems with joy and praises of His glorious name, and yet I'm struggling.

I say ALL OF THIS to say, that if you know a momma who is going through her rainbow pregnancy, pray for her. Pray that the Holy Spirit would convict her of her worrying, that she would seek His presence because that is where she will find true peace and joy, but also any concerns she might have over the pregnancy. Also, if you've survived a rainbow pregnancy, what are some of your tips?

 Happy Friday. ​

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

On looking for my oldest...

It seems like people just expect us to move forward now that I am pregnant with the twins. Don't get me wrong, I am ELATED that God has chosen to bless us this way. But it is as if people just expect us to be okay now that I am pregnant again.

Truthfully, I still look for my oldest every day, whether I say it out loud or not. I want to know that she has not been forgotten. Most moms that have dealt with ANY form of child loss will tell you that, I'd bet.

A couple of weeks ago, I received an email from my bible study class. A couple of women in the group were going to see a woman about coming to know Jesus. I read it and didn't really think much about it. The next Monday night, during the portion of bible study where we share praises, one of the ladies shared that when they went to share with this woman about Jesus, she shared my story about Lily and how I struggled with God about why he would take my daughter to be with Him. She had lost her husband. She was upset too. But she also shared that I turned to Jesus during my grieving period and gave my life to Him and how He had given me such a hope. Apparently, that was a turning point in the time they were with her.

 Of course, my eyes watered immediately. God sees us and hears us. I'm so glad that He used my Lily to bring another sheep to the fold. (See Luke 15:3-7)

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I know I've not written in awhile and believe me it's not because I don't want to write. I need to be in the habit of it. It helps me clear my mind. Plus we have some exciting times coming up!

So I'm going to do my best to write...again.

Happy Tuesday

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Hi y'all! The name's Samantha. You can call me Sam if you like. I am a lover to a boy I met at Falls Creek in the summer of 2005, that is a student of Jesus, a Sooner born and Sooner bred and when I die I'll be Sooner dead, Democrat by party, blonde to the core, and oldies but goodies kind of girl.
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