Tonight Brandon and I had a huge fight about everything we are struggling with right now.
The short version of the fight is that we still have no clue where God is leading us in the next year.
It could be Michigan.
It could be Oklahoma.
It could be Arizona.
We feel torn in a thousand different directions.
I don't really feel like I can list the pros and cons because of professional and personal reasons. I want to maintain some boundaries and respect our marriage and our careers.
But what I can tell you is that the whole time we were arguing and even afterwards, I thought, "Man, I could really just sink my teeth into a cheeseburger or fried chicken or some chips and queso." I was looking for that fulfillment in something that wasn't going to love me back. In fact, the only thing it would ultimately do is piss me off in the morning when I look at the scale. Because let's be honest, I always look at the scale after a crappy meal. I know there are people right now that think breaking up with the scale is good peace of mind, but for me, I need the accountability.
These last 20 pounds feel like something so much bigger.
Yesterday, Lysa Terkeust talked about how ultimately a person's goal in a weight loss journey should be to be at peace.
Well I have a lot of issues to work through before I can get to that peace. I know how heavy that sounds, but it is the truth.
There are some serious things in my life that I need to let go of.
And I'm human. So those things are hard.
And I don't have the extra weight like I used to where I could eat a bad meal here or there.
These last twenty pounds are where I've got to face my demons head on.
I've done bad things and been wronged in return.
I've got to forgive and love.
I've got to be kind and give grace.
I don't know about y'all, but this is a daily battle for me.
And I think that when I was heavier it was easier to put off this battle or not take it so seriously because I still had the pounds to work with.
Now I'm don't.
It's time to deal. And it is hard. My temptation to eat poorly and to ease my hurts has been at an all-time high in the last few months. I think it is why I have struggle so hard this year to lose the weight like I didn't last year.
Weight loss is never just physical. It is always mental.
And until I decide to let go of things and let God be God, I'm not going to move forward. I'm not saying that this weight loss is an end all cure for my problems. But how I deal with my problems cannot be to reach for food when I have a bad day or a good day or one in between with lots of emotions.
I've got to reach for God. That doesn't always come natural for me. But running long distances hasn't always come natural to me either. I know that I got there with a lot of training. I can do the same for my relationship with God and others. I can train to be a better wife, sister, daughter (in-law), friend, etc.
I don't know if any of this makes sense. I just wanted to keep it honest and real about my weight loss struggles. This is what the struggle looks like for me right now.
"Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It does not dishonor others, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres. Love never fails." -1 Corinthians 13:4-8
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