Alternatively titled: A Walk to Remember or How Feeling the Burn in Pure Barre has paid off.
You know how I have some ridiculous story during finals week? I tried to break my boob. I've broken out in hives. I've had a full on rosacea attack.
Basically I'm a freak show.
And all are stories I couldn't make up if I tried.
Tonight's story is no different.
But first a back story.
A week ago, my sister, my friend and running partner Bethany and I went on a walk to get out some of Sugar's energy. We stumbled onto a new running trail. I got super excited because I really get tired of the same running trails. I've ran up to the little area, but never past the park. I actually have run hills there.
I was super excited because the trail is very scenic. There are also beautiful houses and I can't wait to run during the fall because of all the trees. There was a little haunted woods looking area, a basketball court, and even a porta potty which we mocked mercilessly. It is just something that you'd see in Ann Arbor randomly.
Second back story.
(Really. What is a good story without AT LEAST two back stories!?)
(I don't want to know a world like that.)
When Aunt Flo is in town, I have three symptoms - loss of appetite, the poops, and I can smell chocolate.
I know. TMI.
Third and final back story.
(This is how you know a story is going to be epic.)
Certain runners think part of becoming a legitimate runner includes a rite of passage where you have to stop and poop in the woods because you get an upset tummy while running.
I don't want to be part of that club. I've had several close calls. I know. This is also TMI.
And now for tonight's story....
I had a long day working on my paper that's almost finished. My friend Bethany also is in law school with me. She had a final today. My paper is due tomorrow at midnight. I worked all day on it. To say we're stressed and a mess, is an understatement. After dinner, she, Jessi and I headed out for another walk.
And if I wasn't a hot mess enough, I started my period.
Before we left, my stomach was bugging me a little bit, but I didn't think anything of it. We got to the park area and decided we wanted to play on the swing-set. Jessi told Bethany about how I didn't set the timer twice for peanut butter cookies and how she knows that I'm not here entirely because of finals. We swang, (swung?) went down the slide, and I may have even rode the zipline thingy.
Well it seems that is where I went wrong.
I started cramping horribly and before I knew it, I needed to go to the bathroom. I sat down in the fetal position and prayed that the good Lord above would help me in my hour of need.
Just about the time I thought I could get up, I started hurting again.
My friend Bethany realized it was serious, "Sam, I've been surveying the scenery and it seems like your best shot is that way."
"I don't think I can make it that far."
Bethany then suggested, "Well do I need to go get the car?"
"I don't think we have that much time."
A few minutes later...
Me: "I might have to go in the side of the hill."
Bethany: "We can take our jackets off and surround you."
Jessi: "I don't know if I can do that. If I get a whiff, I'll puke."
Thirty seconds later...
Bethany: "I've been playing in the dirt and subconsciously I've been digging a hole for you."
Thirty seconds later...
Jessi: "You just need to mind over matter the situation."
Me: "I've been sitting here telling myself to relax for the past few minutes. DUH."
Jessi: "You know what you should do. Go on the zipline so we can put it on Instagram."
Me: "Yes, because that will help the situation calm down immensely!"
Thirty seconds later...
I prayed out lound, "Dear Lord Jesus, please help me think of something."
And then He delivered.
Jessi: HEY ISN'T THERE A PORTA-POTTY AROUND THE CORNER??????
And I'm not even kidding when I say, I heard the Hallelujah chorus in my head.
Jessi: So are we gonna go?
Me: ....Deep breath.
And then with everything in my being I started to walk towards the porta potty.
Jessi: Are we leaving?
Me: Well you might not be, but I'm moving in a forward motion and I'm not stopping until I get to the porta potty.
As we're speed walking...
Me: Jessi, you're sure you saw one?
Jessi: Oh yeah! It's right by the woods part.
Bethany: Yeah, remember we talked about it the last time we were there?
And then Jessi decided she wanted to walk in front of me.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW, WE WERE ON A LEISURELY STROLL AND ALL.
Me: What the hell are you doing?!?! Get out of my way!! I can't stop!
Jessi: Oh sorry! Man I wish I had some poop jokes to tell right now.
As I'm cramping, "I'm just so sorry for your misfortune."
And then I saw the lightbulb go off in her eyes, "Wait! I'll just fire up the Google!"
"YOU CANNOT TELL ME POOP JOKES. I CAN'T LAUGH OR I'LL LOSE IT."
Not even a second later, "Can I tell them to you when you're in there?"
"Sure. I'm so glad you're concerned. What are you even going to google? 'Jokes about Poop?'"
(Back Story #4: One time when we were in college, I slipped and fell on ice. It hurt and I was crying. Jessi was crying too. But it was from laughing at me so hard.She's a sweetie pie.)
Jessi: Just looking out for you. And speaking of looking out for you, did they teach you had to squat properly in the Pure Barre class? I sure hope so because I got a feeling that this moment is what you've been training for."
Me: Oh yes Jessi. That's what Pure Barre was for. Totally.
Thankfully, I could see the porta potty. Otherwise, I might have smacked her.
Bethany too. She was snickering the whole time. Good friends I tell ya.
(But listen, if it was either of them, I'd be cracking jokes too. I'm inappropriate like that.)
Thankfully, I reached the porta potty. It had just been cleaned too! Jesus really loves me!!
Jessi: Don't forget to turn on your flashlight to make sure it's all clear.
Jessi: Did you hear about the movie called Constipation?
Me: WHAT? Huh? No, I didn't hear about it.
Jessi: Yeah that's because it hasn't come out yet.
Me: Good grief.
A few seconds later...
Jessi: What do you get when you cross a bulldog and a shih tzu?
Jessi: No. Bullshit.
A few seconds later, I felt like a new woman. I even laughed at Jessi and Bethany's 4,385 one-liners about poop on the way home.
There also might have been a radar on the road tracking people's car speed. I also might have tried to set it off to see how fast I run.
See? Told you. NEW. WOMAN.
So what's the lesson here kids? Having a good memory is important. It might just save you from an embarrassing situation.
I hope to God that was my hot mess story for this round of finals.
Now that I've talked about poop on my blog, I'm going to bed before I realize what I've done.
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