Tuesday, August 13, 2013

That time my sister mercifully remembered there was a porta-potty around the corner...

Alternatively titled: A Walk to Remember or How Feeling the Burn in Pure Barre has paid off.

You know how I have some ridiculous story during finals week? I tried to break my boob. I've broken out in hives. I've had a full on rosacea attack.

Basically I'm a freak show.

And all are stories I couldn't make up if I tried.

Tonight's story is no different.

But first a back story.

A week ago,  my sister, my friend and running partner Bethany and I went on a walk to get out some of Sugar's energy. We stumbled onto a new running trail. I got super excited because I really get tired of the same running trails. I've ran up to the little area, but never past the park. I actually have run hills there.

I was super excited because the trail is very scenic. There are also beautiful houses and I can't wait to run during the fall because of all the trees. There was a little haunted woods looking area, a basketball court, and even a porta potty which we mocked mercilessly. It is just something that you'd see in Ann Arbor randomly.

Second back story.

(Really. What is a good story without AT LEAST two back stories!?)

(I don't want to know a world like that.)

When Aunt Flo is in town, I have three symptoms - loss of appetite, the poops, and I can smell chocolate.

I know. TMI.

Third and final back story.

(This is how you know a story is going to be epic.)

Certain runners think part of becoming a legitimate runner includes a rite of passage where you have to stop and poop in the woods because you get an upset tummy while running.

I don't want to be part of that club. I've had several close calls. I know. This is also TMI.

And now for tonight's story....

I had a long day working on my paper that's almost finished. My friend Bethany also is in law school with me. She had a final today. My paper is due tomorrow at midnight. I worked all day on it. To say we're stressed and a mess, is an understatement. After dinner, she, Jessi and I headed out for another walk.

And if I wasn't a hot mess enough, I started my period.

Before we left, my stomach was bugging me a little bit, but I didn't think anything of it. We got to the park area and decided we wanted to play on the swing-set. Jessi told Bethany about how I didn't set the timer twice for peanut butter cookies and how she knows that I'm not here entirely because of finals. We swang, (swung?) went down the slide, and I may have even rode the zipline thingy.

Well it seems that is where I went wrong.

I started cramping horribly and before I knew it, I needed to go to the bathroom. I sat down in the fetal position and prayed that the good Lord above would help me in my hour of need.

Just about the time I thought I could get up, I started hurting again.

My friend Bethany realized it was serious, "Sam, I've been surveying the scenery and it seems like your best shot is that way."

"I don't think I can make it that far."

Bethany then suggested, "Well do I need to go get the car?"

"I don't think we have that much time."

A few minutes later...

Me: "I might have to go in the side of the hill."
Bethany: "We can take our jackets off and surround you."
Jessi: "I don't know if I can do that. If I get a whiff, I'll puke."

Thirty seconds later...

Bethany: "I've been playing in the dirt and subconsciously I've been digging a hole for you."

Thirty seconds later...

Jessi: "You just need to mind over matter the situation."
Me: "I've been sitting here telling myself to relax for the past few minutes. DUH."
Jessi: "You know what you should do. Go on the zipline so we can put it on Instagram."
Me: "Yes, because that will help the situation calm down immensely!"

Thirty seconds later...

I prayed out lound, "Dear Lord Jesus, please help me think of something."

And then He delivered.

Jessi: HEY ISN'T THERE A PORTA-POTTY AROUND THE CORNER??????

And I'm not even kidding when I say, I heard the Hallelujah chorus in my head.

Jessi: So are we gonna go?
Me: ....Deep breath.
Jessi: Well?
Me: Shhh...

And then with everything in my being I started to walk towards the porta potty.

Jessi: Are we leaving?
Me: Well you might not be, but I'm moving in a forward motion and I'm not stopping until I get to the porta potty.

As we're speed walking...

Me: Jessi, you're sure you saw one?
Jessi: Oh yeah! It's right by the woods part.
Bethany: Yeah, remember we talked about it the last time we were there?
Me: Okay.

And then Jessi decided she wanted to walk in front of me.

BECAUSE YOU KNOW, WE WERE ON A LEISURELY STROLL AND ALL.

Me: What the hell are you doing?!?! Get out of my way!! I can't stop!
Jessi: Oh sorry! Man I wish I had some poop jokes to tell right now.

As I'm cramping,  "I'm just so sorry for your misfortune."

And then I saw the lightbulb go off in her eyes, "Wait! I'll just fire up the Google!"

"YOU CANNOT TELL ME POOP JOKES. I CAN'T LAUGH OR I'LL LOSE IT."

"Okay. Jeesh."

Not even a second later, "Can I tell them to you when you're in there?"

"Sure. I'm so glad you're concerned. What are you even going to google? 'Jokes about Poop?'"

"Yep!"

(Back Story #4: One time when we were in college, I slipped and fell on ice. It hurt and I was crying. Jessi was crying too. But it was from laughing at me so hard.She's a sweetie pie.)

Jessi: Just looking out for you. And speaking of looking out for you, did they teach you had to squat properly in the Pure Barre class? I sure hope so because I got a feeling that this moment is what you've been training for."

Me: Oh yes Jessi. That's what Pure Barre was for. Totally.

Thankfully, I could see the porta potty. Otherwise, I might have smacked her.

Bethany too. She was snickering the whole time. Good friends I tell ya.

(But listen, if it was either of them, I'd be cracking jokes too. I'm inappropriate like that.)

Thankfully, I reached the porta potty. It had just been cleaned too! Jesus really loves me!!

Jessi: Don't forget to turn on your flashlight to make sure it's all clear.
Me: Okay.
Jessi: Did you hear about the movie called Constipation?
Me: WHAT? Huh? No, I didn't hear about it.
Jessi: Yeah that's because it hasn't come out yet.
Me: Good grief.

A few seconds later...

Jessi: What do you get when you cross a bulldog and a shih tzu?
Me: SERIOUSLY?
Jessi: No. Bullshit.

A few seconds later, I felt like a new woman. I even laughed at Jessi and Bethany's 4,385 one-liners about poop on the way home.

There also might have been a radar on the road tracking people's car speed. I also might have tried to set it off to see how fast I run.

See? Told you. NEW. WOMAN.

So what's the lesson here kids? Having a good memory is important. It might just save you from an embarrassing situation.

I hope to God that was my hot mess story for this round of finals.

Now that I've talked about poop on my blog, I'm going to bed before I realize what I've done.

Happy Tuesday!

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Hi y'all! The name's Samantha. You can call me Sam if you like. I am a lover to a boy I met at Falls Creek in the summer of 2005, that is a student of Jesus, a Sooner born and Sooner bred and when I die I'll be Sooner dead, Democrat by party, blonde to the core, and oldies but goodies kind of girl.
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