I mentioned in my last post that going to sleep is the hardest time of the day for me. There isn't anything to distract me from the reality that awaits us.
The other night I was looking at my Instagram account and I was looking at all the pictures from when we lived in Michigan. I was struck by how happy we looked in them. There were hard times in Michigan for us, but we were melded together as two in a way that might never have happened for us if we hadn't gone to Michigan. The whole time I was looking at these pictures I kept thinking, "All that time, that happy girl was headed for where I am sitting tonight and for this year."
I also wondered, "Will I ever be that happy girl again? Will my smile be changed? Will people be able to see that there is just a bit of sadness to my eyes for the rest of my life?"
And it made me sad and mad all over again. I told Brandon at dinner that I remembered that the first 8 months were hard because we were so homesick, law school was kicking my butt, and we were struggling financially.
But we survived and so many things worked out wonderfully for us.
That hard didn't seem to touch what we were going through now. I'd take all three of those situations in a heartbeat if it meant we got to have a healthy little girl.
I shared with Brandon that I wanted so badly for Arkansas and all that it holds for us to be good like Michigan was. I remembered Michigan being hard, but the level of hard we'd experienced in Arkansas, was just weird. I then took a sip of my water at the pizza place we were at and said, "Man I'm so glad that just about everywhere in Arkansas has Sonic ice for drinks."
And he said, "See there's something good about Arkansas right there."
It was simple and to the point. Brandon never said it, but if I want to see the good, I've got to look for it.
That's who I am. In the worst of times, I look for the good. It's how things in Michigan got better and how we survived at first and then thrived there.
I feel like this might be among the worst of times for us is an obvious understatement. But I've still got to look for the good, even if I have to fight to find it, because if I don't, I'll drown in my sadness.
The time I have with Lily is going to be special, no matter what. If it is two hours or ten, I want her to get the best version of me. I am not naive enough to think that it won't be hard to watch her go, but while she's here, I want her to know me as her momma who loves her with all she has. I want her to know the woman that fights to see the good, and not only survives this hard time, but thrives because of the grace of God.
I know there will be days I fall back down again, but the point is that I will fight to stand up and with the help of God and those that I love, I'll be able to stand up and see the good while doing it. I'll definitely have some battle scars from this deal, but those scars will be just that, scars, because God will heal me.
So here's to seeing the good...and on the bad days, here's to remembering that the good days will come.
1 hour ago