"Now I know I've got a heart, because it's breaking." -The Tin Man, The Wizard of Oz
Ever have a post that just doesn't come together like you want it? That was yesterday for me. There are so many thoughts I have going on these days and I'm trying to express them because I know it's important in the healing process.
Today is going to be short and sweet, but exactly where I've been and am right now.
Brandon and I have our NICU appointment today for Lily.
I've been having panic attacks at night because it gets dark and quiet in the house and there isn't any noise to distract me from what's happening. I don't have them every night. But I'd say about once a week. Things are always harder when I know I have a doctor's appointment coming.
The anxiety is crippling at times.
I fight it as hard as I can. I pray constantly throughout it. Bottom line, it's just really sad to think about and I worry about everyone else I love being safe.
Sometimes I tell Brandon if I can just survive this year, I will make it. But as soon as I tell him that all the worry about what else could go wrong with it comes whooshing in and the rest of the year seems cloudy.
I've never felt that before.
I've always been secure in my life and the direction it was going. I've always gone with plans of how I think things will work out and for the most part they do. When they haven't, I've been able to bounce back.
Now NOTHING is certain anymore.
I know that losing the power of control and being vulnerable is part of my journey in all of this, but I feel helpless.
...and scared. I've never been so scared in my life of losing the people I love.
At this point, my heart is broken with Lily. I know that with time, my heart will heal. But if I lose Brandon, I think my spirit will be broken. I don't dare say these things out loud all that often because I feel like I'm tempting fate. I have never once let myself say out loud "What else could go wrong?" because I don't want to be like Job with no one left. Even now I worry about typing those sentences out. I can't handle losing everyone. I can't really handle losing Lily.
I'm wondering if God has forgotten about me.
Everything I grew up being taught about Jesus is being put to the biggest test right now.
I want so badly to believe that this plan is better and that God's ways are better, but I feel almost betrayed by God. I am called to trust Him wholeheartedly and I've been told my whole life that no matter what I can trust Him.
I know that is Satan at work which pisses me off. I wish I could tell you that that asshole has left me alone during all of this, but he takes his shots whenever and however he can.
I fight so hard to see the good. Trust me on that. It seems like a lot of good Christian people have been hit hard this year with loss.
I want so desperately to see God's faithfulness to others, but I want to see it for us as well. I need to see it and desperately so.
Hi y'all! The name's Samantha. You can call me Sam if you like. I am a lover to a boy I met at Falls Creek in the summer of 2005, that is a student of Jesus, a Sooner born and Sooner bred and when I die I'll be Sooner dead, Democrat by party, blonde to the core, and oldies but goodies kind of girl.