"We don’t yet see things clearly. We’re squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won’t be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We’ll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us! But for right now, until that completeness, we have three things to do to lead us toward that consummation: Trust steadily in God, hope unswervingly, love extravagantly. And the best of the three is love." - 1 Corinthians 13:12
I took the bar yesterday. I slept in until about 11 today. It was the hardest I've slept in months. There were lots of people praying for me to have focus. And I was able to quiet my mind and focus on the law for two days straight. When it was over, I was exhausted.
I'm completely grateful for it because when I woke up today, the weight of what is coming hit me like a ton of bricks.
Brandon and I haven't made any finalized plans about Lily's funeral or anything else for that matter. I've started documents for her eulogy, the birth plan, my hospital list, etc. We've talked about certain things, but most of it has been shelved. Partly because I needed to study, but also because it's just sad. Plus, I don't want this grief to overtake me or make me bitter and so I have to know my limits. We are trying to find a balance as best we can.
Before I got out of bed this morning, I looked at social media and saw that two friends lost family members too soon again today. It feels like we have just been surrounded by loss this year. So many good people taken early. I realize this is a season. But today, I'm just mad about it all. I've had my fill of death.
Unfortunately, our turn is around the corner. We talked about things a lot on Monday as we drove to Little Rock. As of last Thursday, we've been grieving for three months. Now we have to finish up all of those awful to-do lists and it pisses me off royally.
That doesn't mean that people haven't continued to reach out to us. Most of it I really appreciate. Knowing people are praying for me has been the most comforting thing. there are two emotions I've felt consistently: heartbreak and anger. I know God has been right beside me through both, but I'm just curious about what he thinks on the days I'm pissed as hell at him. On those days, I don't have a lot to say to him. I know prayer is what gets me through those days. I know it got me through the bar the past two days too. People have also brought us meals and talked to us about meal schedules for afterwards.
But there are also people that want to tell us about others that have been through a similar situation. I know people mean well, but I have two thoughts....and maybe I shouldn't share them. But this is just where I am tonight.
1) Who wants to meet someone because they've experienced the horrible tragedy you have? Think about it. You know someone or meet someone only because they've gone through the same shitty situation you have. Listen, I get it. This is a situation that will be a ministry for Brandon and I for the rest of our lives, but right now, I'm not entirely happy about it. I'll make my peace with it at some point. For now, I don't want to know others who have been there because it just makes me madder. Because here's the other deal, everyone I've met that has gone through this is someone that doesn't deserve it just like we don't. I am trying desperately to make the best of this situation and seeing more bad isn't a help right now. Some might find comfort in that. I don't at this point. It just makes the sting bite harder. I already know that in the future when this happens again and someone reaches out to me, I'll be telling them to make sure it's something the other person wants.
2) How that couple handled their situation may not be the way Brandon and I handle ours. Every so often, I look at the websites for Trisomy 13. What I've learned is that EVERYONE does things differently. I am sure that Brandon and I will be part of that trend. Not everyone has the same faith or belief system, so how each couple handles it will be different AS IT SHOULD BE. I realize that couples that have been in our place are the most likely to get that, but people are people. And I don't necessarily want to be told, "This is what we did..."
Brandon and I have to do this on our own terms. She's still our first-born child. Every couple goes through a steep learning curve with their first baby. We will be no different. I want respect (and space!) for that.
I hope people get where I'm coming from on this. In the meantime, pray for us. The next two months are going to be really rough.
Happy end of July y'all.
P.S. I also highly recommend reading this article.
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