Tonight's post is a bit of a rambler. I apologize in advance.
We didn't try very long before we were pregnant with Lily. In fact, we weren't really even trying. We were in the "no longer preventing" phase of our fertility story. We stopped preventing at Thanksgiving. I had my cycle in December and when I had it, I was met with mixed emotions for the first time about it. On one hand, I wasn't all that sad because we had both said that we weren't putting any pressure on the situation until after the bar in February. On the other hand, I was sad because I had finally let myself think about there being more than just the two of us.
For our anniversary in December we actually went somewhere by ourselves to celebrate. We usually are around family and we were earlier that day, but we usually try to eat dinner by ourselves at some point. This was the first time since we were married that we stayed the night in a hotel for the occasion. We ate at Outback Steakhouse and saw American Hustle. During dinner, we talked about our goals for the coming year and babies were a part of that conversation. Brandon was still hesitantly excited. Meanwhile, I was very much ready to go look at and register at baby stores. Like I said, I had waited a long time to let myself think about babies so when I finally let myself entertain the thought, it was as if the dam broke.
But in all that time together (6 years of marriage and 8 years together total), I didn't really pray about our babies.
I don't want anyone to misunderstand me. I think that this time in our lives was coming for us whether we prayed about it or not.
What I am saying is that I considered kids more of a mental big life moment check list.
As a Type-A person, checking off to-dos makes me more excited than most. Babies are one of the biggest and last to-dos in terms of goals for my life that I have. I know it's going to be one of the most important contributions I make in this world.
So it was a big to-do being checked off and little Miss Have to Be in Control aka Me was very happy about it.
God knew that. So did Satan.
In January we found out we were pregnant. We made it through the first trimester. I had some morning sickness and my hormones were a bit cray at times, but we had very good signs that this was going to be a healthy pregnancy.
I let myself think even more about all that we would do with our newest addition.
I thought about her going for her first cheeseburger with her Pop (my dad), blasting the radio with her momma, being at AL's and Uncle Will's graduation party stealing the show, arguing with her about clothes, boys, and rules when she was a teenager, her nursery and what I wanted it to look like, going to Papa and Mimi's (Brandon's dad and momma) to fish with daddy and Papa on the ponds, being a shoe junkie with her AJ, being Nana's best road trip buddy yet, having her Uncle Matt and Uncle Aubie wrapped around her finger, what she would be when she grew up, whether she would play softball or be a cheerleader to AL's delight, and everything in between.
But something I didn't think a whole lot about was her time in the church growing up. I'm not saying that I didn't think about it. I just took for granted that it would happen. I didn't realize what a responsibility it was and is to be a parent as a Christian. I was fortunate enough to have good leaders in our church that I wanted to be in the church I grew up in. I also had parents that took the time to make sure I was at church on Sundays and Wednesdays. Those priorities are a large part of why I am who I am today.
I figured it was something else on the check list that would get done. I didn't really know how that would happen which should have been a sign to me. When I think about something important that I don't know how it will all work out, I think about it and analyze it and study it so that I can have just a slight edge on how to handle whatever situation I'm looking at.
On April 24, 2014 all of that control as to how I was going to be a good parent was stripped from me. There isn't a thing in the world I can do to make this better for Lily. It is what it is.
To be this vulnerable is really hard.
I have to trust God to take care of this situation completely. I have to let Him fight for me.
I think that's my spiritual battle.
When things are good, the trust and the faith come easily in Him.
When things are hard, the trust and faith in God are tested.
And boy am I ever being tested. Right now, I have to put my whole faith in Him.
I have to let go of my security blanket that is control. I took it for granted and now I'm facing life head on without it.
Instead of me teaching Lily about Jesus, her story has been about her turning me toward Jesus not just for her, but for her future siblings provided we are blessed with children in the future as well.
I love that because I pray for all of my babies daily. And I hate it because it took this situation to get me here.
But I'm not taking it for granted because I know it's where Jesus needs me to be -trusting Him entirely with EVERYTHING and EVERYONE in my life.
But dang is it hard.
"Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we cannot see...And without faith it is impossible to please God, because anyone who comes to Him must believe that he exists and that he rewards those who earnestly seek him." - Hebrews 11:1,6
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