"Courage is being scared to death...and saddling up anyway." - John Wayne
I mentioned yesterday that Brandon and I talked on the way to Little Rock yesterday. We talked about a lot of things, but we also had the conversation I've been avoiding.
My anxiety about child birth is and has been high for about a month now. I've been reading articles about what to expect. I also plan to have conversations with my doctor and my cousin that recently had a baby. My cousin is very Type-A like I am, so she won't be bothered by my million and one questions. I've never been able to sleep the night before school starts. There is so much unknown in the day. This is like that - on a much bigger scale of course! - and I've found that if I figure out what to expect, it helps me to take back some of the control and helps my anxiety.
But that's not the conversation I'm talking about.
We had the "if something goes wrong with me during labor, this is what I want you to do" conversation.
(I cried writing that sentence.)
We both cried while we had the conversation. It was one of those things that really could have gone unsaid, but I wanted Brandon to know where I stood from the horse's mouth. I needed him to know that I'm going to fight and I wanted him to fight for me. I think he needed to hear me say it too.
As awful as it sounds, I don't want to die. I still have a lot I want to do on this Earth. More than ever I've realized that I want my shot as a momma and I want Brandon to be the daddy helping me raise those babies. Even more so, I want to grow old with Brandon. I don't want him to do life with someone else and vice versa. And yes, being an attorney and making my mark in that aspect would be nice too. I've also realized that I want to help people too....not just in a legal aspect. I want others to know that even though life can handle us a shitty hand sometimes, there is someone that can get them through it. It's only God that will get us through this hell now.
A few months ago, I told my dad that I felt like even though this whole deal was going to be hard, we would be okay. I still believe it. But I readily admit, I struggle a LOT of days to hold onto that truth too.
If things were different, I'd likely not be this anxious. Then again, maybe not.
My point in sharing this is two-fold.
1. I believe that communication has serious power. Communication comes in all forms. It can be a look, a kind word, a smile, a hug, a kiss on the forehead, or it can be a blog post. If someone goes through a time where they are scared like I am now, I hope they read this post and feel comfort knowing that someone else has been there too. It will happen the way I want it to happen too...on their own terms and not mine.
2. That being said, I share this to communicate my needs. This is a very real way that you can know HOW to pray for me, my husband, my family, and my doctors.
I hope this finds you well. And if this finds you when you're struggling, I hope you find comfort in knowing that someone has felt the way you do too.
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