Thursday, August 14, 2014

War Zone

Everything hurts now.

Well, maybe I should clarify. Physically, I'm healing well. That's about the only thing I've got going for me.

Everywhere else...different story.

Remember when I said I felt like I'd been shot and was staring down the barrel of a gun waiting for the second shot to go off?

A second shot would have felt like a mercy.

I feel like I am in a war zone.

Nighttime is hard. I know in my heart that she is in heaven, whole, healthy, and happy, but physically, the last thing I saw was her little casket in a big old vault. And it is just so sad to think about her little body in there by itself.

Right now, my heart is broken, and so I'm having a hard time overcoming what I've seen versus what I can't see.

There are also a ton of new beginnings and so many good things going on right now.

School is starting.
New babies are being born.
Football season is around the corner.

But all I can see is the ending of my pregnancy and her life.

Everywhere I look is just another reminder too...especially my own body.

My tummy has gone down a lot.
My boobs are starting to go down as well.
The swelling is gone in my feet, face, and hands.
I don't have too much soreness left.

My whole body just aches from my heart ache quite honestly.

People somewhat expect me to be me too. But I'm just not. I wrote a few months ago that there are some things that will remain the same, but there will be things that are different too. I don't think it's a coincidence that in all of this time I haven't seen a rainbow after a storm. (It's not for lack of trying either.)

All I feel right now is the different.

I wish that she was healthy.
I wish that she was alive.
I wish that she wasn't sick.
I wish that she was here with me.

And also?

I wish I wasn't in this war zone.

I know that Jesus is the great healer and so far He has healed my daughter.

All I want to feel is better.

I want Him to get me out of this war zone.

I'm ready for him to bind up my wounds, wipe away my tears, fight off the enemy, and help me stand.

I'm ready to see that I'm going to be okay.

Most of all, I'm ready to see the rainbow...

1 comment:

Rikki said...

Covering you in prayer right now. The rainbow will come don't lose hope.

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Hi y'all! The name's Samantha. You can call me Sam if you like. I am a lover to a boy I met at Falls Creek in the summer of 2005, that is a student of Jesus, a Sooner born and Sooner bred and when I die I'll be Sooner dead, Democrat by party, blonde to the core, and oldies but goodies kind of girl.
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