"Our Father which art in heaven,
Hallowed be thy name.
Thy kingdom come.
Thy will be done in earth,
as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our debts,
as we forgive our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil:
For thine is the kingdom, and the power, and the glory, for ever.
Amen." - Matthew 6:9-13 KJV
"Therefore, I urge you brothers and sisters, in view of God's mercy, to offer your bodies as a living sacrifice, holy and pleasing to God - this is your true and proper worship. Do not conform to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is - his good, pleasing and perfect will." - Romans 12:1-2 NIV
"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." - John 16:33 NLT
NOTE: I am writing this down and putting it out into the great wide "internets" because I know someone some day will need some reassurance or reminder that she isn't alone in this world...and wherever you are pretty girl, I want you to know that you'll get through this and that Jesus loves you.
That being said...
I found out on Friday that I failed the bar. Again.
If you're keeping count for the "home team," this year, I thought I was supposed to start my career and start being a momma.
Both of those decisions were met with a big fat no from God. Maybe they are a "not right now" and I just can't see it.
Either way, I am really confused about life as I know it.
I've had people from the legal world tell me they can't believe I took the bar. I guess I was shooting for the moon a bit. I don't really know truthfully. Every person that goes to law school has an ego. If they think they don't, they're only lying to themselves. (If one of my law professors read that sentence, he'd lose his mind over the grammatical errors in that sentence. FYI.)
Tonight, I spoke with my dad about it and he said, "the first time, could have been a fifty/fifty shot at passing. You didn't know what it felt like to sit in that room. The second time, you weren't studying to pass. You were studying to take your mind off of what was going on with Lily."
Those things are true, but all I know is that I am now left more confused than ever.
I naively thought that as of Friday, while I was hurting over Lily that surely, I would have direction on what my next step would be. I even had begun to plan my life out again...
Apparently, I still haven't learned my lesson.
Now, I'm left with questions. It seems like they are endless. For example...
When do we start trying again to have a baby? On the one hand...I don't really feel like we can really try right now because the next bar is in six months. I've known since I was 17 that I wanted to be a lawyer. I need to make an earnest attempt at passing it. On the other hand, I've only just figured out this year at 29 years old that I wanted to be a mom. I don't really want to wait on that either. I've learned in a big way that so many things can go wrong and that only increases with age. That being said, I know that as soon as I find out I am pregnant again, I'll worry immediately that everything is going to be okay. I'll try my hardest not to worry because I know that's what the Bible tells me not to do, but I know how hard it will be otherwise.
What do I do for a job? I still don't know a ton of people in the legal community here. Quite frankly, many would see this very blog post as a sign of weakness and figure out a way to use it against me. So I'm not exactly marketable right now. And yet as crazy at it sounds, I'm still tempted to get my foot in the door. I know working would help me tremendously. That being said, I wonder if I would benefit from working in a place like Barnes and Noble so I could still have time to think things out and work through my grief. I don't say this to brag, but people have looked to me to have answers. I'm someone who always has answers about everything. Right now, I feel like I know just about nothing.
I know that life truly could be worse. In fact, I'm scared to death of that. I don't know what all to pray these days, but I do beg God to not let me be like Job. I know how selfish and whiny that sounds as a believer, but it's the absolute truth of where I am right now.
As a I said a couple of weeks ago, I'm still in that war zone. I think Pat Benatar said it best, "Love is a battlefield." When I'm in my hometown, I can't go a certain way at night time because it takes me past the cemetery where Lily is buried. I know in my heart of hearts that she is okay and that she is with Jesus, but what I can see and what I remember is that her little body is in a hole in the ground. My heart is so broken that I can't overcome the physical of this world right now. I know that to a certain extent, my heart won't be fully healed until I meet Jesus myself. (See Revelations 21:4) I'll always live with this hurt. It's kind of like the thorn in Paul's side he talks about in the Bible.
I know that part of that battle is deciding to not follow Jesus or to follow Jesus. I know that grief is just another form of spiritual warfare. It's the one question in my life I know the answer to right now.
(Well that and being married to Brandon. I know that is another non-questionable issue in my life. I feel like that should go without saying.)
Straight up, following Jesus is the only option for me. I know the only reason, I have survived the past month and even had a couple of good days is because of the hope I have in him. My dad told me tonight that he and my mom wish they could take the hurt for me. But you know that's what Jesus did on the cross. He took the hurt I am experiencing right now. He died for it. And so, even with all the hurt and heartache I have in my life right now, I still trust Him. I do. Because of his death, I have the promise of eternity. I also have the love of my husband and our families.
But in this present darkness, I need Jesus to show me that He sees me and hasn't forgotten about me.
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