To my dearest Lily,
You've been gone for three months as of today. It snuck up on me actually. Last week sucked royally with Halloween. It was the first major holiday and I pretty much had to hide from social media. All the babies that you were supposed to grow up with had cute costumes and I thought about how I promised your daddy that you could be Princess Leia or Yoda depending upon gender. You would have been Princess Leia obviously.
But I remembered when I read a blog post today by a momma that lost a baby girl named Ruby earlier this year. Anyway, she's pregnant again and it was weird for her because Ruby wasn't there. I imagine I will have similar feelings myself when I find out I'm pregnant again. But then, I started reading her past posts to see if she had felt the way I had felt in the past few months after losing you.
She also talked about how long it had been when they found out about their second baby. It was three months to the day and then it clicked for me that today was the 6th. It explained why I was up at the crack of dawn this morning and couldn't really sleep until 9 again. Your daddy couldn't sleep either.
She talked about being around strangers and people she knew and them all acting normal. It's weird because I remember being in public and wondering if people could tell I had just had a baby since you weren't with me a couple of months ago at your AL and Uncle Will's first football game. Even though I knew that was your fate, it still was a shock to lose you all the same. Did I look normal? Or did I look sad?
She also talked about how now she and Ruby's daddy had a more compassionate view for the world since they had faced death. It made me think of Harry Potter being able to see the thestrals for the first time because he has faced death in the face. His world view added something he had never seen before. Ours as well. It's disconcerting at times even if we don't show it. The world isn't the place it used to be for me.
Ellen DeGeneres says every day at the end of her show, "Be kind to one another." Plato said it this way, "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."
And Lil, it's so true. You just never know who is struggling. Like I said earlier in the week, how I was struck by the fact that this is the first time the ministry has been online. This is also the first time people have seen mommas like me grieving online too. For some I would imagine it is hard to watch. It might even make them uncomfortable. It used to make me uncomfortable quite frankly. But here's the deal, this blog post isn't for the people who haven't sat in my place. It's for the ones who have. So they can see someone else talk to their baby and feel normal because it's all they want to do too. Not everyone feels that way. Grieving is certainly different for everyone. But my point is that there is solace in knowing others feel the way I do about you. It's why I'm writing to you now. I am struggling with moving forward. There is a part of me that wants to be done with this year, but then I'm stuck with the fact that once I get through those tough spots, it's that much longer that it has been since I've seen you and held you. But I know that I need to get it out, to help me process. So I'm writing about grieving, about you, about what life is like for us now.
The part that struck me most from Ruby's momma's blog was where I read where Ruby's daddy wanted to go on a road trip. He knew he wanted to do that while they were in the hospital.
I didn't realize I wanted a road trip until this week. It's like my daddy, your Pop/Pappaw (we never really decided because once we found out you were sick, it was too hard to talk about) says, the road is calling me. I know that once I get out there I will still think about you. I'm always thinking about you. I told your daddy that right now I feel like I can only do one thing at a time because I'm already thinking about you. So I'm in essence multi-tasking all the time. I just figure being on the road would allow me time to just think without Gilmore Girls or whatever I've decided to distract myself with for the time being out of the way. That maybe somehow, I will find some peace and also see you in the ways I see you now that you're not here anymore.
I know you're in heaven, but I don't know what you're doing. I hope that you let me know you see me today. I love you and miss you desperately, Lil. Your daddy does too.
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