Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Pregnancy Update

How far along: 23 weeks 4 days

Size of babies: Papayas

Total Weight Gain/Loss: 17 pounds

Babies are: GIRLS!!

Maternity clothing: Yes, especially at work and church. Otherwise, I can get away with comfy shorts and a big t-shirt! Sleep: Well, it wasn't too bad, but here recently, I've had some bouts of insomnia. I'll sleep until about 3 in the morning and then just wake up ready for the world so to speak. I have to be very quiet not to wake up Brandon. I usually watch an episode of West Wing and then head back to sleep.

Movement: Yes! I feel them in the mornings and throughout the day, but at nighttime is when they like to play it seems. My entire side of the family are night owls except my mom and me. Brandon is an early riser too. So this could be interesting if it does bode for the future.

Symptoms: I have acid reflux, but it's completely manageable because I take my meds for it. I puke once every morning, but I don't mind it because once I do, then I can brush my teeth. Otherwise, I have to wait until the middle of the day before I brush them so I won't gag. So I feel like it's a decent trade-off, plus it only lasts for five minutes or so. I talked about the insomnia, but I've also had some leg cramps at night too. I've upped my water intake to see if that will help.

Food cravings/aversions: I have a lot of aversions, but the biggest one is chicken. I don't know what it is about chicken, but it makes me want to hurl. So me and Chick-Fil-A will have a date in the hospital I imagine. I also have to be careful of anything with tomatoes. It makes my acid reflux go into overdrive and also they just taste off right now. I can't explain it, but I promise they will taste normal again at some point.

How is this pregnancy the same/different than with Lily? I am a lot more hormonal this pregnancy. I know that seems to make sense with having two, but there are things I experience that I never did with her. I'm incredibly sentimental. I think I mentioned this on Facebook, but when Abel Frake's pig wins the Grand Prize at the State Fair, I pretty much ugly cry. I can also cry at a commercial. Mind you, they can last less than 15 seconds some times, but apparently, I like to set records. I also am really hot. Like all the time.

Looking forward to: We move into our house this weekend! I have another doctor's appointment next week so I always look forward to seeing my girls. My sister's baby is due in two weeks, so I'm excited about that as well. I also have a baby shower in about a month! I'm incredibly pumped to see all of our friends and family. Of course, I'm also looking forward to meeting my girls and just loving on them.

Happy Wednesday! 

Friday, September 11, 2015

On the realities of a rainbow pregnancy...

"How are you feeling?"

People ask me this all the time. Most of the time, people let me get away with answering the obvious.

The obvious is I puke every morning. It's acid and it only lasts five minutes or so. I usually turn on The West Wing to distract me. The positive is that once I puke, I can brush my teeth without gagging provided that I thoroughly rinse my mouth out once I am finished. For a girl that loves to brush her teeth first thing in the morning, this is a gift. I also have acid reflux, but I take my meds regularly and stay away from things that make it worse for me. This pregnancy is only for a little while. I've recently had some cramping in my legs at night and I also have some slight insomnia, but other than that I feel pretty good.

But then there are others who ask the not obvious.

"How are you doing mentally?"

Honestly, I'm struggling. The roller coaster of a rainbow pregnancy is quite frankly the highest of highs, but it also has some sudden, jerky, hard, frightening lows. There is so much good going on in our life right now. We are moving to a new place. Brandon is doing well at work. I'm enjoying my job. I have an opportunity to be at home with the girls for the majority of the week once they are born.

The girls are healthy. I saw them on Wednesday at the doctor and saw four little chambers in each heart. I cannot tell you what a blessing that was to see when I saw how bad Lily's heart was in comparison last year.

I am growing in my faith like I never have before in my life. God continues to use us and our daughter's story all the time.

BUT.

I am so afraid the bottom will drop out at some point. The fear I have is so intense that sometimes it makes me afraid to walk outside. I refuse to lose this battle, but y'all the enemy doesn't give up so quickly.

I worry so much and it really bothers me because that's me saying to God, I don't trust you. I want nothing more than to trust Him and obey Him.

My mentor recently explained how as Christians we are called to meditate on God's word. (See Psalm 1:2-3) She said that the easiest way she learned how to do it was by thinking about how we worry. I don't have to do anything to worry. I just sit and do it.

For example, I mentioned that I saw the girls on Tuesday, but what I didn't say is that Baby A is a little bigger than Baby B. Because the girls share a placenta, they have a chance for Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. I don't know the percentages of how it works, quite frankly, I don't want to know because it would make things worse for me. But the way TTS works is that one baby can get bigger by getting more blood and nutrients than the other. There are five stages of it. Some don't get it all. Others do and twins pass away from it. Others can sit in level one the entire pregnancy. The specialist that we see is the doctor that we saw for Lily. He's brilliant and I know we are in more than capable hands. When he came in and saw that Baby A weighed more than Baby B, he said "Let's check the other things out that can show early signs. It could be something. It could mean nothing." He checked their amniotic fluid levels, bladders and blood flows from the heart and brains. He was happy with their levels. Said for now that things were fine but if something changed we still had time to have the placenta split and also he wanted to keep me at two weeks. If I went to one week appointments then I should know that something is going on.

I cannot tell you how many times I have turned that conversation over and over in my mind. There are times when I am able to tell myself out loud, "STOP." Sometimes, I start praying, but other times I don't. When I don't I usually go back to worrying pretty quickly.

And it is so disobedient of me. Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." We are COMMANDED as believers not to be anxious. We are also promised that when we turn over requests to God that He will give a peace that surpasses all understanding. We won't know how to explain how we feel, other than to say we know it came from Him.

Y'all. That is one situation. I worry about EVERYONE being okay. Since Lily went to be with Jesus, I worry that I will be okay, that my husband will be okay, that our families will be okay. Hell, I even worry about the words that come out of my mouth. I'm afraid to talk about plans for next week much less next year. I learned that bad things can happen. I felt like I was coming out of that before I got pregnant. I could breathe again a little. Once, I was pregnant again and found out that it was high risk pregnancy again, things took off and some days I don't know how to get off the ride.

Some days are good. Some are not. Some I need to stop and pray almost half-hourly.

It should not be ​this way.

You know why????

The Lord heard my prayers. He granted me what I asked of Him. I should be bursting at the seems with joy and praises of His glorious name, and yet I'm struggling.

I say ALL OF THIS to say, that if you know a momma who is going through her rainbow pregnancy, pray for her. Pray that the Holy Spirit would convict her of her worrying, that she would seek His presence because that is where she will find true peace and joy, but also any concerns she might have over the pregnancy. Also, if you've survived a rainbow pregnancy, what are some of your tips?

 Happy Friday. ​

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

On looking for my oldest...

It seems like people just expect us to move forward now that I am pregnant with the twins. Don't get me wrong, I am ELATED that God has chosen to bless us this way. But it is as if people just expect us to be okay now that I am pregnant again.

Truthfully, I still look for my oldest every day, whether I say it out loud or not. I want to know that she has not been forgotten. Most moms that have dealt with ANY form of child loss will tell you that, I'd bet.

A couple of weeks ago, I received an email from my bible study class. A couple of women in the group were going to see a woman about coming to know Jesus. I read it and didn't really think much about it. The next Monday night, during the portion of bible study where we share praises, one of the ladies shared that when they went to share with this woman about Jesus, she shared my story about Lily and how I struggled with God about why he would take my daughter to be with Him. She had lost her husband. She was upset too. But she also shared that I turned to Jesus during my grieving period and gave my life to Him and how He had given me such a hope. Apparently, that was a turning point in the time they were with her.

 Of course, my eyes watered immediately. God sees us and hears us. I'm so glad that He used my Lily to bring another sheep to the fold. (See Luke 15:3-7)

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I know I've not written in awhile and believe me it's not because I don't want to write. I need to be in the habit of it. It helps me clear my mind. Plus we have some exciting times coming up!

So I'm going to do my best to write...again.

Happy Tuesday

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Hi y'all! The name's Samantha. You can call me Sam if you like. I am a lover to a boy I met at Falls Creek in the summer of 2005, that is a student of Jesus, a Sooner born and Sooner bred and when I die I'll be Sooner dead, Democrat by party, blonde to the core, and oldies but goodies kind of girl.
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