Friday, September 11, 2015

On the realities of a rainbow pregnancy...

"How are you feeling?"

People ask me this all the time. Most of the time, people let me get away with answering the obvious.

The obvious is I puke every morning. It's acid and it only lasts five minutes or so. I usually turn on The West Wing to distract me. The positive is that once I puke, I can brush my teeth without gagging provided that I thoroughly rinse my mouth out once I am finished. For a girl that loves to brush her teeth first thing in the morning, this is a gift. I also have acid reflux, but I take my meds regularly and stay away from things that make it worse for me. This pregnancy is only for a little while. I've recently had some cramping in my legs at night and I also have some slight insomnia, but other than that I feel pretty good.

But then there are others who ask the not obvious.

"How are you doing mentally?"

Honestly, I'm struggling. The roller coaster of a rainbow pregnancy is quite frankly the highest of highs, but it also has some sudden, jerky, hard, frightening lows. There is so much good going on in our life right now. We are moving to a new place. Brandon is doing well at work. I'm enjoying my job. I have an opportunity to be at home with the girls for the majority of the week once they are born.

The girls are healthy. I saw them on Wednesday at the doctor and saw four little chambers in each heart. I cannot tell you what a blessing that was to see when I saw how bad Lily's heart was in comparison last year.

I am growing in my faith like I never have before in my life. God continues to use us and our daughter's story all the time.

BUT.

I am so afraid the bottom will drop out at some point. The fear I have is so intense that sometimes it makes me afraid to walk outside. I refuse to lose this battle, but y'all the enemy doesn't give up so quickly.

I worry so much and it really bothers me because that's me saying to God, I don't trust you. I want nothing more than to trust Him and obey Him.

My mentor recently explained how as Christians we are called to meditate on God's word. (See Psalm 1:2-3) She said that the easiest way she learned how to do it was by thinking about how we worry. I don't have to do anything to worry. I just sit and do it.

For example, I mentioned that I saw the girls on Tuesday, but what I didn't say is that Baby A is a little bigger than Baby B. Because the girls share a placenta, they have a chance for Twin to Twin Transfusion Syndrome. I don't know the percentages of how it works, quite frankly, I don't want to know because it would make things worse for me. But the way TTS works is that one baby can get bigger by getting more blood and nutrients than the other. There are five stages of it. Some don't get it all. Others do and twins pass away from it. Others can sit in level one the entire pregnancy. The specialist that we see is the doctor that we saw for Lily. He's brilliant and I know we are in more than capable hands. When he came in and saw that Baby A weighed more than Baby B, he said "Let's check the other things out that can show early signs. It could be something. It could mean nothing." He checked their amniotic fluid levels, bladders and blood flows from the heart and brains. He was happy with their levels. Said for now that things were fine but if something changed we still had time to have the placenta split and also he wanted to keep me at two weeks. If I went to one week appointments then I should know that something is going on.

I cannot tell you how many times I have turned that conversation over and over in my mind. There are times when I am able to tell myself out loud, "STOP." Sometimes, I start praying, but other times I don't. When I don't I usually go back to worrying pretty quickly.

And it is so disobedient of me. Philippians 4:6-7 says, "Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all comprehension shall guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." We are COMMANDED as believers not to be anxious. We are also promised that when we turn over requests to God that He will give a peace that surpasses all understanding. We won't know how to explain how we feel, other than to say we know it came from Him.

Y'all. That is one situation. I worry about EVERYONE being okay. Since Lily went to be with Jesus, I worry that I will be okay, that my husband will be okay, that our families will be okay. Hell, I even worry about the words that come out of my mouth. I'm afraid to talk about plans for next week much less next year. I learned that bad things can happen. I felt like I was coming out of that before I got pregnant. I could breathe again a little. Once, I was pregnant again and found out that it was high risk pregnancy again, things took off and some days I don't know how to get off the ride.

Some days are good. Some are not. Some I need to stop and pray almost half-hourly.

It should not be ​this way.

You know why????

The Lord heard my prayers. He granted me what I asked of Him. I should be bursting at the seems with joy and praises of His glorious name, and yet I'm struggling.

I say ALL OF THIS to say, that if you know a momma who is going through her rainbow pregnancy, pray for her. Pray that the Holy Spirit would convict her of her worrying, that she would seek His presence because that is where she will find true peace and joy, but also any concerns she might have over the pregnancy. Also, if you've survived a rainbow pregnancy, what are some of your tips?

 Happy Friday. ​

4 comments:

esl828 said...

I didn't have a rainbow pregnancy but struggled with infertility and this post means so much to me! I struggled with this so much during my mostly healthy pregnancy but still struggle now that my beautiful boy is four months old. I wish you peace!!

The Macons said...

Love you Sam.

Jackie Engwicht said...

I needed this tonight. As you know. we're struggling with conceiving. What many don't know is that we've suffered a miscarriage, so I struggle with the same thoughts and emotions and we're not even pregnant. I can't imagine what it will be like when we do get pregnant. Do try to enjoy this pregnancy, for you and your girls are in God's hands! Love you girl!

Jackie Engwicht said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
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Hi y'all! The name's Samantha. You can call me Sam if you like. I am a lover to a boy I met at Falls Creek in the summer of 2005, that is a student of Jesus, a Sooner born and Sooner bred and when I die I'll be Sooner dead, Democrat by party, blonde to the core, and oldies but goodies kind of girl.
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