Thursday, November 19, 2015

On texts at 3:30 in the morning...

Last night I got up to pee at 3:30 and noticed I had some texts from my Bubba. Some were sent to our family group text, but one was sent directly to me. It said simply, "Love you sis." I responded and told him I loved him too. To my surprise, the stinker was awake. Chalk that up to #collegelifeproblems that I remember all too well. But also, our family policy has pretty much been just to text when we need to and one of us will respond as soon as we can. When I was in law school, they used to laugh at how they wouldn't hear from me for hours at a time and then all of a sudden, they'd have 10 texts in response to various things said throughout the day.

But I digress. Come to find out, he'd been reading my blog. Said he hadn't read it in a long time and couldn't sleep. He'd text me originally around 1:50 or so. At that point, he was reading about Lily and the twins. Tears pricked my eyes when I read it because he and Loren have both recently talked about Lily. They both are so tender-hearted in their own ways. Loren told me that she thought about how even though it was a really hard time, that the five of us became closer as a result. Brandon and I also mentioned to her recently that her chin and mouth are the shape that Lily's were. She said that she hadn't thought about what Lily looked like in awhile, but when we said something instantly, she knew it was true. I sometimes forget how much her life and loss of her life affected our families. Or maybe I want to forget because if I remember, it just hurts really bad.

I haven't talked about her in awhile, not like I used to. I think about her every day at some point, but my mind is on the girls a lot. But it's intertwined with things being okay since things with her weren't okay.

This pregnancy has been hard for me. One of the women in my bible study asked me if I have been able to enjoy it. Truthfully, I have to go with the happy times because I know I'll be back to worrying soon. But it's also been hard because Brandon's grief has been delayed. He's just now dealing with some things and it's been incredibly heartbreaking.

I say all of this to say that I told Will I haven't written in awhile because I don't really have the time, but also I've had writer's block. I think that I do have writer's block, but it's almost like the block is related to me not wanting to talk about the same thing over and over again. My worries. My anxieties. My fears.

Because that's where I am. But I suppose that I need to keep writing because there will be other mothers who need to know that they aren't alone when they have a silent freak-out because people want to tell you about the twins they were pregnant with, but lost. This after I've told them that I lost a child. Which I could go on a rant about the stupid things people say. Really I could. And it would be long because people's diarrhea of the mouth seems to know no bounds these days. I have to remind myself that people want to make me feel better the best way they know how. But really, they'd be better off just saying, "I'm sorry to hear that."

Again, I digress. I miss my oldest. I'm incredibly excited and terrified about next month. I so look forward to holding babies that I don't have to let go of or the fact that we won't walk out of the hospital empty-handed. But mostly, I'm afraid it's going to open up some things we haven't thought about in awhile because Lily's not here physically with us.

This is a ramble post, but it's a start.

2 comments:

Adrienne Gilbreath said...

Talk about Lily, blog about Lily as much as you want and feel led to. Grief and all her friends aren't things that just go away with time. You may think you're through it, and it can sneak back in during what would seem to be the most unlikely of times. We all walk a different path on that journey.

I get the fear, the worry, the anxiety, and I totally get why you wouldn't want to dwell on those things. I pray I'm not someone who has had diarrhea of the mouth. I know too well how hurtful people's words can be whether they intend them to be or not. I continually pray for you, Brandon, and the girls. I pray that you can focus on the joy at hand when they are born.

The Pink Growl said...

I've had the same writers block over the past 4-6 months too, and for similar reasons. I feel silly continuing to talk about the death of my mom or a broken heart over and over again, but sometimes honestly those the demons that constantly plague me. And I'm sure the same with the loss of you sweet baby girl. I think keeping it real is important. Telling our REAL story can only help others. Thinking of you!

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Hi y'all! The name's Samantha. You can call me Sam if you like. I am a lover to a boy I met at Falls Creek in the summer of 2005, that is a student of Jesus, a Sooner born and Sooner bred and when I die I'll be Sooner dead, Democrat by party, blonde to the core, and oldies but goodies kind of girl.
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