Friday, November 18, 2016

Normal...

Flowers and pumpkin pie from my boo...

I've been ripping lots of proverbial bandaids off here recently. It's been scary and exhilarating at the same time.

This weekend I'm spending my first night away from the girls. I know I need it. I'm certain it will make me a better mom, wife, and person period. Last night I was talking to my sisters about hurrying at eating in the car before I

BUT.

I am always, always, always, going to struggle with leaving my babies. I can only describe so much what it is to hand off your baby and to never get her back this side of heaven. It's excruciating and even now as I write these very words, hot tears are rolling down my face and it's hard for me to breathe.

Last night I was at an event and I was talking to a momma like me. She said when it came time to leave her rainbow baby, she was determined to be normal. I told her I got it, but I laid awake last night thinking about it and it's been in the back of my mind, all day. I don't know what normal is. I know there's the definition and the desire to continue to move forward.

However, for me, desiring to be normal is something I don't know I care about anymore. Don't get me wrong, there are days I wish I wasn't this girl and I didn't always feel the need to explain that not all my babies are here. I can't help it. I feel it's a discredit to her name and honor if I don't.

Brandon brought me a pumpkin pie and flowers today because he knew I would be struggling. When I saw them, I teared up because I knew he knew. I'm eternally grateful for a husband who knows who I am at the end of the day. I'm a momma to the living and to the dead. Both types of me exist at the same time. I'm not concerned with apologizing for it anymore. Maybe this is what my 30s will be like.

Who knows...? Guess we will find out together.

Happy Friday!!

P.S. My husband and parents have the girls. They're in good hands. 

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Hi y'all! The name's Samantha. You can call me Sam if you like. I am a lover to a boy I met at Falls Creek in the summer of 2005, that is a student of Jesus, a Sooner born and Sooner bred and when I die I'll be Sooner dead, Democrat by party, blonde to the core, and oldies but goodies kind of girl.
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